I did it. I completed a Granny Square. I'm so excited at finally being successful and defeating a fear that has held me captive for over 20 years that I just couldn't wait to show you.
Now technically it's not completely finished because I have that dangling little bit of yarn to run into the piece still as all my tutors in the art of crochet would screaming at me if I were to show them this as it is. Well, to them I say hush now. I promise that I will run that tiny little piece of thread in before it's used. I just couldn't wait another minute to show that I've faced this fear. It was hard enough waiting for the battery to charge in the camera and the computer to warm up, and then to load the program so I could get it re-sized for sharing with those who take a minute to look here at it.
It is such a huge feeling of relief to finally lay this issue to rest and accomplish something so very basic as what you see above. It's also a little bitter sweet and twinged with sadness because my beloved Gram, Aunt E, and all the ladies at the center of my support circle growing up aren't here to see it. Oh, I'm sure they can see what I've done and are cheering loud and clear just outside of my frequency to hear them or well I hope they are as they've all left this world except for maybe Aunt E. I lost touch with her a long time ago when we had to move suddenly.
Is it perfect? I don't know. Does it look right I think so with the
exception of my dangling bit that I have left out in my haste to share.
It's definitely better than anything I have done in the past. I try not
to look to closely for faults as I'm not sure enough in my ability of
being able to keep my step-father's voice on mute. It's getting better.
I've just had more time of hearing his negative voice and painful
experiences to reinforce his negative messages than I do positive,
empowering over coming and conquering his lessons. I've made progress
but it's been slow. With this success I think I'll be picking up speed
and erasing the tapes.
One of the items that I have avoided and feared doing has been making Granny Squares. I spent over 20 years listening to people go on and on about how simple they are and how to be a true crocheter you should be able to do a Granny Square. I can't tell you how horrible and worthless that made me feel. How doubtful I was about even continuing with crocheting. How many books and cute, fun projects I rejected over the years simply because they contained a Granny Square. I can't tell you how much I missed out on because of this little issue of mine with this very basic, beginning crochet project.
My fear started in my youth before I hit the double digit of 10 years old. My step-father's brother's wife E made beautiful afghans, dolls, flowers, coats, etc. etc. out of yarn. She was amazing to watch because her hands just flew with her quick neat rows of stitches and I would sit and watch her work for hours. I wanted to learn how to do the flowers, dolls and especially the coats she made.
My mother's sister had started showing me how to crochet as it was something she enjoyed doing and I was very depressed that I was going to have to wait 9 whole months for school to get out so I could pick up my lessons. So aunt E offered to work with me so I wouldn't have to wait for 9 months to get started. She was pleased that I could chain already and felt that it would be good for me to start on a quick moving project of a Granny square.
What age and experience forgets is that youth and inexperience can struggle to learn something. what's simple for one isn't always so simple for another. It was a nightmare for both of us. She was too fast, too quick, to simplistic in her instructions. I couldn't follow her and have it look as nice and neat as hers did. This angered my step-father to no end. As he wondered if I even bothered to show up to work with Aunt E.
I'd meet with aunt E and work for a bit then go home and have to present the work to him for review. If he didn't like it he'd rip it out and say repeat it. Well... that didn't help me improve any because I worked so hard on trying to follow aunt E's moves that I couldn't recall the moves or how to start from scratch simply from my memory. Aunt E didn't work with patterns unless it was something very new and advanced for her. Everything was from her memory. My mother and step-father didn't consider that I might benefit from written instructions. I didn't consider that there were written instructions out there that one could follow for the Granny Square.
My mother got involved and started meeting with Aunt E to learn how to do it. My mother was a very smart woman she picked it up quickly. Partly because it wasn't as new to her as she made everyone believe and secondly because she found written instructions to follow and third because she made friends with women who crocheted and they helped her out by walking her through the steps because they remembered what it was like to be new that Aunt E had forgotten.
So after my mother's amazing progress with learning how to make Granny squares and my continuing lack of progress not only did my step-father continue to rip out my work to start over but he began to add punishments. Little things like no dinner, no TV, spankings and humiliation. My mother didn't do anything to prevent this from happening. Although she did take extreme care to not get caught with the pattern and extra help from the ladies. By the time I figured out what she was doing, I totally lost my desire to learn how to crochet. Aunt E had the wisdom to drop the lessons. She'd still have me go over to her house for "lessons" but she wouldn't send me home with a project any more. She began to tell my step-father that it was simply too hard for me to keep traveling with the project because of it's size and bulk. then after a bit she changed her work schedule around so we couldn't meet. At our last conversation back in 2001 she admitted she did it to stop me from being picked on because I was getting enough of it without her adding to it from my parents.
However, by the time I got to my beloved aunt she was dumbfounded by the change in me and my reluctance to learn to crochet but she didn't give up. She told me there were many other things to do besides Granny squares. She and her circle of fellow crocheters didn't shun me for not doing them or wanting to do them and so I began to heal and learn other stitches. But nothing would get me to attempt a Granny square ever again.
I ran hot and cold on crocheting ever since. I found away to laugh and make fun of myself when it came to Granny squares while inside crying and feeling like the biggest loser in the world. Then in June of 2012 my daughter decided that she wanted to make a baby blanket for a dear woman who was having a baby. Most that looked like something that would match my dd's attention span and crocheting skill were Granny squares. In August someone asked what my problem was with Granny squares because they were so easy to do. I told her the short answer that I was Granny Square challenged and beyond all hope. She snorted and rolled with laughter at that. In fact she was quite hysterical from the laughter as she headed back to her physical therapy session. Her dh told me that she felt that way about knots until she had two different colored ropes to tie together and could see the knot. he also told me about her beautiful work and how between carpel tunnel and a stroke she couldn't do her beautiful knot work or crochet or knit.
I didn't realize how I was negatively influencing my daughter because of my fear of being humiliated if I did the Granny square wrong. It ate at me and ate at me and finally I had enough of hearing my mother and step-father's nasty remarks about my inferior work in my head and remembering that time in my life. I began to research for a pattern that was written down and seemed crystal clear. I watched youtube type videos. I talked to my friend who's a crochet goddess and my aunt. I had panic attacks, got sick, put it off and tried to block it, bury it, and give up especially because of the increase in the volume of the Granny square sound track of mother and step-father negative voices (things that in the past got me to shut down, stop in hopes of silencing them).
The urge to put this on my 2013 to do list began to get stronger and drown out my mother and step-father's voices, and finally I had to do this. I'm now here to say that I did it. I found a pattern that was clearly written at my level. I went where I had no choice but to work on following the pattern. I had to rip out and start over many times. I got sick which is polite way of saying I threw up a lot. I had to work on it in 5 to 15 minute intervals because that's all I could mentally handle. But I didn't look back, I didn't quit, I jumped off the cliff and fell towards my doom. Only there wasn't any doom. I finished it. I completed it and that's all that matters.
In fact, I'm helping my daughter to make a granny square baby blanket now because I don't want her to go through what I did of being afraid of something. I especially don't want her to fear this pattern simply because I feared it for so long and deeply. It really is a simple pattern when one has clear instructions. I can see now looking back why there was such a problem between my various instructors and me learning it. Besides the obvious of me being a righty and some of them being a lefty. lol I'm thankful to my daughter for showing me that it was more to it than was obvious on the surface and I'm thankful for the opportunity to work with her to further reinforce that yes, I can do this.
