12 years ago there was an incident that showed a major problem. It was triggered by my dd being bigger in size and older looking than she really was. It was very scary incident and the first of several incidents. Guardianship was first mentioned for me to consider because of the incident. It crushed me because I knew then that my dreams and hopes for my dd probably weren’t going to happen. It seemed like such a big ugly step to take and that I was horrible to consider it.
I didn’t want to look into guardianship because I couldn’t face the reality that my dd was not right and that the autism and other things she was diagnosed with would win. I felt like a failure not only as a parent but as a believer. I was very deep into denial about the world and how autism is looked at especially here. I was also very afraid. I wasn’t sure I was up to it.
I was a very selfish person then because I thought of a future with just me and my dh being able to pick up and do what we had planned for lives pre-children and I didn’t want to be saddled further than age 18 with my children. I was very much under the influence of my mil who kicked my dh out at the home before the age of 18 and really started to turn her back on her other son (the one who got messed up and is on probation until he’s probably well over the age of 102).
I dreamed of a day that I would send them off into the world of higher education, jobs, and families of their own. Like I said I was very, very selfish person. I was also extremely overwhelmed, deeply in denial and firmly clinging to a pair of rose colored glasses. lol (cue the John Conlee's song Rose Colored Glasses https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Aphhx6y6Ys)
9 years ago to the day of the week if not the actual day her pdoc at the time said we needed to go for guardianship. He said that it was the only way to deal effectively with the incidents that had happened and was for her best interest. It crushed me again.
However, I had a year of having dd home with me 24/7. Homeschooling was going really well. Better than I could have anticipated. It was super smooth and easy to educate her although there were major speed bumps and tantrums as we dealt with the fallout of a really bad education system, a horrid teacher, and extreme PTSD, depression and anxiety on top of the autism and other medical diagnoses. I was still wearing my rose colored glasses but of a slightly different sort than I had on 3 years prior when it was first suggested.
I was extremely convinced that guardianship would be a walk in a park and take oh any where from 6-9 months at the extreme most and I also suspected that dd would keep on excelling in her education we could with the pdoc and counselor overcome the PTSD and it might be just a temporary thing or maybe even not needed. Oh how naive I was.
It’s been an uphill battle all the way. I can’t tell you how often I bugged the heck out of the good people here, in other online places that I hung out in and the few IRL over this guardianship deal. I struggled with incompetent people, money hungry greedy jerks, intimidation, threats, and a whole lot of negativity because I dared to continue advocating for my dd and fighting for her to be safe and treated reasonably as a human not a rabid animal that needed to be put down.
I even struggled with self-doubt and lack of faith as well as downright fear and paranoia that the process would never get completed as the years marched on. I had struggles that I couldn’t understand why it was allowed as paperwork was lost, done wrong or needed to be updated by a date and just wasn’t getting done by the one in power that needed to do it, and I can’t tell you the numerous and high amount of dollars I wasted as I paid for legal assistance, social workers, agency help, etc. The stress of the constant persecution for daring to continue to be my dd’s advocate past the age of 18 has taken a great toll on me. It’s also taught me a lot.
Today, after 9 long, hard, drawn out years of climbing uphill this fight has ended. Victory has happened. The chains of fear, paranoia, self-doubt (at least in this area) has been broken. I am free and can breathe deeply and easily. I am humble and thankful as I look back and see just what has happened in this process of the guardianship jigsaw puzzle is completed. I’m not sure if it was just multiple piece random shaped or if it was both plus 3D. ;) lol
I can’t thank the good people here enough for supporting us with prayers, encouragement, advice/guidance/wise counsel, hugs, etc. I can’t thank everyone enough for walking beside me on this dark path through the valley and holding the umbrella and tossing water my way with friendly reminders to drink, breathe and keep on putting one foot before the other. I can’t thank and praise the Lord enough for his perfect plan for us and I hope for his forgiveness for doubting that he had a plan at all.
I see clearly that it had to happen his way so that today we would get the judge we got. I see clearly why I’ve been throwing up for the last 24 hours due to nerves and had a very sleepless night of horrible dreams. I see clearly why I had a panic attack when I realized that the sinking feeling about the court room we were holding the appearance in. (yes, I down right expected to turn the corner to see two sets of families that’s how filled with dejevu or flashback or PTSD I had). I learned I have a vanity streak that has yet to be broken as I agonized over what to wear and how to swing it. The Lord got me through this with your prayers and his plan.
This morning we were waiting outside of one courtroom and I was fighting to rein myself in and appear competent while I was jelly inside and my knees were knocking. I was wearing what I thought was the worst thing ever as I couldn’t handle wearing what was suggested. I didn’t get my hair cut and I felt horrible for it. Self-doubt, negative scripting from my parentals, etc. was all running through my head. Then the text came. We were in the wrong spot. The paperwork and sign in the elevator were wrong.
We barely made it to the new courtroom in time. We had just a few brief minutes to go over things with the guardian ad litem and our attorney. Both who thought that dd’s leopard printed shirt and black pants and my very old outdated black and olive drab outfit were perfect. Then it started. We were 3rd on the docket.
We were suppose to be 1st and then moved to 2nd place but 3rd was the perfect place for us to be and a total God thing. First was the quickest divorce I’ve ever seen as it was under 2 minutes (I was told that with no children involved and majority done out of court that it can happen that way). I share this because it really gave me a feeling for the unknown judge and a wave of calmness descended on me. Second was another guardianship. This time for a 60 yr old downs lady that I’ve known extremely casually over the years. It was here that I learned a key piece of information about our judge and had an aha moment as to why the delays. It also gave dd a very much needed preview of what was to come and the courage to approach the bench when it was our turn.
Dd was a champ with the swearing in and through the session. She had her leopard print shirt on, her AFOs, used her cane to walk up to the bench with ( a new recommendation per the spastic dr and PT), a stuffed bat in her hand, an owl necklace that a dear friend sent her, and a stuffed poodle in the crook of her arm and a death grip once we were standing still on my arm. She did exactly what she had to do and I’ve the bruises to prove it.
I did well. I was able to answer the questions accurately and audibly without any weird facial expression or too much pain (gum was the trick). I didn’t ramble which I tend to do when nervous and it really felt like my mouth opened and shut with help. A very good thing. I do have to do annual reporting to the court which I had hoped would get waved. This is because of NOT having a specific caseworker with the (state/federal gov agency we annually report to) so I don’t have a set date to do my annual accounting. However, the judge and attorney said that we can do a motion to wave this once we do have a specific caseworker. It went really well and was over and done with in under 5 minutes.
We were the last civil case before the criminal session so the judge spoke with us for a few minutes after his official and final ruling to give us encouragement and relieving some fears and concerns that have plagued us over the years. We are free from one agency that has plagued us for the majority of dd’s life. Although we aren’t free when it comes to ds. Oh and the chores and freak out over the laundry so not a concern and never even came up. I feel so silly for freaking out over it. Now, at least with dd, I am free to teach her and work at her pace without fear of retaliation or abuse allegations. Hallelughia!!!
Now the reason for the aha moment and why we had to wait for this particular judge that no one knew anything about is because… The judge has a child with special needs. He gets it and he gets what it’s like to have a child with special needs here and in the world today. His son doesn’t have the same challenges that my dd has or even my ds but he’s not ignorant of what it means here to be a parent of a child who's special needs. While his son has down syndrome and faces different challenges than my dd does, there are many common challenges such as ignorance and prejudice and a need for the protection of a guardian and advocate that they have in common.
If we hadn’t had the delays and issues for the last 9 years, he wouldn’t have been able to hear our case. We may not have gotten this completed so finally, quickly, or completely. PTL!!!
And thank you for reading so far and putting up with me for so long on this.
