I did it!!!! I did it!!!! I accomplished something that I felt doomed at ever getting done. I have now read "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien from start to finish.
I can't begin to describe everything that I went through with this book as it was extremely intense, ultra personal and still a bit raw. This book has been haunting me since I first learned of it when I was a child. It's one of the things that kept me from making the straight A honor roll in junior high and high school. It got me teased and tormented for being a coward by those who didn't understand and it caused many a nightmare some which were of the living variety.
I loved to read as a child. It helped me to escape my day to day
reality. It gave me something to do that wasn't considered a complete
idle waste of time unlike my art did. It couldn't be judged for the most
part as good or bad as it simply was and best of all it gave me
something to think on during the not so nice times.
There's just
something about doing cleaning house be it vacuuming, scrubbing floors
on your hands and knees, laundry, shoveling snow, raking leaves,
cleaning up dog poo, etc. or waiting for something to happen like the bus to come, class to start or end, lunch alone, recess to get over with, etc. that leaves you time to think. I had too much time to think and it often got me in trouble.
That's when the discovery of reading something for fun could be thought on during the thinking times. You can't imagine the joy I felt at being able to use the time that I was already using for thinking on thinking about what I had read. It was a huge aha moment. That's when I started really getting friendly with the librarians at both the school and public library. In turn they started pointing me to books they thought I would enjoy. Mysteries, Westerns, How to, general fiction etc. was just a few of the genres that they pointed me to. Eventually this led to "The Hobbit".
As part of my unique upbringing as a child, there were certain things that one just didn't do. Ever!!! Reading and or watching Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror fell into this category. I was lucky the first time I was caught with "The Hobbit". I only got a mild thrashing which meant just two weeks of school missed and a lecture about sin, damnation, and my soul winding up in hell. It was enough to make my fear of "The Hobbit" take off.
It was further aided by the second thrashing I received because my "babysitter" decided to watch the animated cartoon movie version on TV. I honestly hadn't seen much of the movie when I was busted by my mother and step-father as having watched a little bit of a scene. I had gone into the living room to get the babysitter because her youngest had wet the bed and I didn't know what else to do but stand there and wait for a commercial before I interrupted her, thus leading to me to appear more guilty than I actually was.
In junior high, my English teacher had made those of us in the advanced program read various books of literature. I remember staring at the list and seeing "The Hobbit" on it and then the next thing I knew I was on the floor surrounded by a concerned teacher and other students. Oh how I dreaded showing that list to my parents but I was smart enough to leave the book in my locker. There was quite a row the next day at school as my step-father went toe to toe with everyone from the teacher to the dean of girls, to the guidance counselor, to the assistant principal and principal and on up to the superintendent of schools. I was lucky and assigned another book to read in it's place plus three additional writing assignments to make up for it. At home I wasn't quite as lucky as I was punished with extra work to do, loss of TV, and phone privileges.
I really had begun to think that this book was a part of some dark magic or a curse. I knew it when I was sent to stay at a place that was just plain weird. I won't get into that here but it cemented my fear of "The Hobbit" and brought a new fear into creation involving "The Lord of the Ring" series. The place had rules, regulations, rituals, and a language of its own. It had a taken bits and pieces of "The Hobbit", "The Lord of the Ring", Greek, Roman, Norse, and Celtic myths and lore, street slang from the time period, and mixed it all together with a version of military boot camp to be a true place of nightmares. It was a bit of a nasty shock to me that I was stuck in such a crazy mixed up place. It taught me to fear the work of J.R.R. Tolkien in away that my step-father hadn't been able to do. When I finally got out of that place, I had no love for anything related to the Shire, Rivendell, Elves, etc. etc.
In High School, my English teacher again assigned me to read "The Hobbit". My step-father appealed and fought but the superintendent didn't budge and I had to try to read it. It wasn't something I was mentally prepared to undergo. I had been damaged to the point that to read the story brought back painful, hideous memories.
I needed to talk to someone about it but there wasn't anyone. The number one lesson I learned in the place because it was drilled into my head through pain, sweat and tears was simply that one didn't talk about the place to others especially outsiders. If one needed to talk to someone about the place then one had to show the coin and speak the Elvish words and if the other could produce a coin or ring and speak the words back, then you could speak about place. If no coin or ring produced or Elvish words spoken one had to keep quite.
I couldn't find anyone to speak to because the test failed. The counselor I could have accessed and spoke to about things and who might have helped me adjust and get through "The Hobbit" had disappeared. The caseworker had been transferred to a different location. The last resort ombudsman person I couldn't reach by the phone number I was given as it had been disconnected and no one answered my letters for help.
I struggled to cope. I was having nightmares that persisted during the day. I was fearful of being drug back to the hellish place for breaking the rules and talking about the book. The book and the place were so closely intertwined in my head that I couldn't see at the time how to separate the two.
I was having to listen as others talked about the story both inside and outside of the classroom. I internally struggled with wanting to talk about it like my peers were and the teacher wanted and not wanting to talk about it for fear of being sent back to the place. I didn't know what to do or how to talk without talking. It triggered anxiety attacks which were horrible.
Because of not participating in the classroom discussions and not being able to read as required, I was failing the class. Because of what had happened inside the place along with my failing the class, my step-father saw it as a sign to begin the punishments a new. Thus I felt like I had died and entered hell which cemented my fear of and strengthened my belief that "The Hobbit" was dark magic and a deadly curse.
Eventually I escaped my mother and step-father and I found a counselor who cared enough to help me break free of my deeply ingrained reactions to the place. This led about my second independent attempt to read "The Hobbit". I made it to the scene in the forest and couldn't go further. I quit and gave up. Then "The Lord of the Rings" movies were coming out and I was faced with my silly irrational fear of them so with the aid of my mentor I tried to work through it. I managed fairly well so I figured I would try again to read "The Hobbit" and made it a little farther than before in the part of the forest before I just couldn't do it.
Until this time around, I had managed to make a bit of peace with my never having success at reading the book. I was told by many a counselor and my mentor that there was no shame in not reading the book completely because I had a valid reason more than most as to why I couldn't get through it.
A couple of years ago I began to get a notion to read this dreaded book. I knew that time was running out because it would be something my own children would have to read eventually for an English class. I knew that I'd have to be able to handle it as their mother no falling apart would be allowed. Especially if I didn't want them to have a prejudicial view of the book and truly wanted the cycle to be broken.
I also knew that with the release of the movie version of "The Hobbit" coming in December, 2012 I would be forced to face my fear pretty much where ever I went. Now a days one can't go too far without being blasted with advertisements, conversations, displays of merchandise, etc. for long anticipated movies. Whether I wanted to or not my time to face my fear was now. Yet, I couldn't before January, 2013.
I had long conversations with my mentor and a few friends about what I was going to do. It wasn't easy to scrounge up my courage after all I'd tried several times and failed. I felt ready to start and the book wasn't available as all copies had been checked out. What was I to do? Request a hold or go buy it at a book store?
It was extremely hard to request that a copy of "The Hobbit" be put on hold for me at the library but it is what I did. I've come full circle now it seems. It's odd how things have worked out. I first learned of this story at a public library in a distant town and I am now returning the book to our local public library because I have actually read it cover to cover successfully. I can now see exactly why the librarian at the time had the nerve to recommend it to me and I am oh so glad she did.
It's not a curse or dark magic as I was taught to believe by my step-father's reaction to me with the book and my experience with the place. I don't know why my step-father was so against this author and this book. It will forever be shrouded in time as a mystery because he's gone to where I can't ask him why. I don't know why I had to experience such a horrible time with this book. I just did. I hope it has made me a better person overall and I hope those who I offended by my strong negative reaction to the book can forgive me for it.
It is a with a great sense of peace and like I've righted something long wrong within me because of gluing something back together deep inside that I now experience. It's good enough that I have gone to the book store and bought a copy for my library. In fact, I am off to begin reading this delightful tale to my children. Until next time....
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