I also have huge shame. I feel that I have failed them greatly and yet in hindsight I know I haven't. I know because, I'm also told that by the pediatrician, psychiatrist, counselors, case workers, etc. that I haven't failed there's just something not quite right with them which is why they are special needs and yet I wonder and find myself asking what did I do wrong and how can I make it better. Is it just me?
Here is an example from today that
makes me worry.
I buy cold cereal as a special treat
for my children. Depending on the brand that I buy it comes in either
a box and plastic bag or a plastic bag. Doesn't matter what form is comes in box or
bag I take it out and put it into a Tupperware storage container for
cereal. They both have seen me do this and helped me do this. It helps keep it fresher longer and makes it a bit easier for
my children to fix it for themselves. This has been the norm since I
first got the Tupperware containers as a gift from a dear friend a long time ago.
Today, they decided to fix themselves a
bowl of cereal for breakfast. Cool hope for their future I feel...
Until I saw what was happening and listening to their conversation
about what to do. They got their bowl, spoon, and milk substance and
went to the table to fix it. Then they stood there and tried to pour
the cereal out of the box into their bowl.
It didn't work. They tried several
times and from several angles, twisting and turning the box to get
the cereal to pour from it. I tried so hard to be good and keep a
straight face as I watched them swap boxes and each attempt from the
other one's box. Then I had to step out cause I was struggling not to
laugh cause it was so funny to see their looks of amazement and
disappointment and listen to them discuss how it's broken cause it's
not working.
Ds comes running up to me. Mom, Mom,
Mom he calls until he spots me. I ask what's wrong and he says “It's
broke, fix it.” Our continued conversation goes something like this.
“What's broke?” “The cereal.” “How is it broke?” “Well...
nothings coming out when it's tipped to be poured.” “Is it
empty?”, I ask, knowing full well that the real problem is it's not
been opened yet. “No, it's brand new.” We are now joined by Dd
who runs up with the other box of cereal. “Mom, you've got to fix
this. Because we're starving. “ “Fix what?”, I ask her. I can
plainly see the boxes haven't been opened yet.
She says, “See nothing is coming out
and while she's stating that she's moving the box around, twisting
and turning it, with some shakes to get something to come out of it.”
I ask both of them, “Did either one of you open the box so the
cereal can come out?” There's a deer in the headlights look from
each of them and then ever so slowly they look back down at the box
in their hands. As they turn to go back to the table, I can tell
they've finally figured it out or I think they might have begun to at least. I
follow and watch as they proceed to get the flaps open on the box and
still try to get something to happen... Again nothing is coming out.
So they call with their more urgent voices. “Mooooom” in harmony.
They hadn't realized I had followed them. They see me and start to
tell me it's still not working. I really have to fight now to master
my emotions of laughing cause it's funny and crying because it's not.
I can plainly see the problem and they've not figured it out yet. So,
I ask, “Did you open the bag?” Nothing but blank looks.
So I get
more specific. “Did you open the plastic bag that the cereal comes
in?” Still nothing but blank looks. “If you look inside the box
you will see that there's a plastic bag inside and it's holding the
cereal that's inside the box.” “You need to open it too in order
for the cereal to come out.” Then there is a flicker of
recognition. Followed by a chorus of “Oh yeah...”. Ds goes to get
the scissors to cut the bags open and dd removes the bag from the
first box while waiting for ds to return. Dd looks at me and asks, “When did they start doing this
to cereal?” Before I can answer ds chimes in with “They've
always done it.” And in away they are both right. Cereal didn't
always come inside a bag inside a box and yet for both of them it's
always been that way. It's something simple that is common knowledge
for the most part and yet not something they grasped when they needed
to in order to fix themselves breakfast. It's not long and they are happily munching on their cold cereal
breakfast. I put the cereal into the Tupperware containers that it's
normally stored in and go to put it away. Meanwhile, my heart is
heavy and I feel the slinking, shuddering appearance of worry and
doubt creep inside me.
The above isn't so much an unusual
story. For most parents it would not cause a heavy heart or worry.
They'd just blow it off if they witnessed this. If they took a moment
to read what I've shared they would smile and assume not knowing me
or my family that the children were young and still no heavy heart or
worry. But for those who know us, well they might get it. It might
not bring the same response as I have but they'd be concerned for
sure if not down right frightened.
Why would they? Because my children are old enough
and experienced enough that they shouldn't have had this happen to
them. It's not the first time they've made cold cereal for breakfast.
It's not the first time that they've opened cereal boxes and gotten
the plastic bag out and then put the cereal contained inside in
either a bowl for immediate eating or in the storage container we
keep cereal in. This shouldn't have happened like this when faced
with fixing a simple cold cereal for breakfast meal and yet it did
and does happen.
There old enough that this isn't a good sign of
things to come in their future to me. Today it's cold cereal for breakfast, tomorrow
it could be something else, and who knows what it will be in the
future. Yes, they are special needs and yes, I deal with some version
of this regularly if not on a daily basis or several times a day
basis. I have experience and am used to it and yet still my heart
is heavy and I worry about the future because nothing appears to have changed from the very first time this happened.
They are getting older (dd is 17 and ds is 14)
and yet something like this keeps happening with no rhyme or reason. No, I have to be honest, I'm very
worried about their futures. I am at a loss as to what to do to make it better. I'm at a loss as to why those who might help me can't see the problem. So maybe it really is just me...
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