Let's Help Pu’uhonua o Puna

My dearest friend Alica  says "This is by far the best way to donate to the evacuees of Kilauea eruption. Created by the community, for the community."

click on the link puuhonuaopuna

Donate if you can. Otherwise, please pass this on let's help these people overcome and succeed. 

Red and Gold

25 Things Men Do to Annoy Women

I was asked by a man for help with a project he wanted to do. I was like maybe, what is it? He laid it out that he wanted a list of things that guys do that women especially women in a relationship with them find annoying. I was like um, no I'll pass. He was all sweet and puppy dog eyes little boy please, please, please help me out. So I asked if he was sure he could handle it cause most of the time when a guy asks this kind of question and a woman responds he can't handle the information she gives him. He said he could. So I got started. Cause I was trying to word things in a way that the man could handle, I asked some of my gal pals for help. Sadly we couldn't decide on just 10 things to share with him. We did however cut it down to 25 things.

So in no particular order here is the list that me and my pals came up with. There's a few man specific things but some of it isn't exclusive to men but just a partner, significant other, boy/girl-friend.

1) It’s fine for him to have friends/associate with members of the opposite sex yet gets all butt hurt if you do the same.

 2) Doesn’t think anything about dropping $$$ ingredients for meals he likes that you can’t eat (food allergy or ingredients that are medical doctor ordered to avoid ex. mushrooms) but bitches and moans about spending more money on extra ingredients or having to prepare a separate bit of the meal so you have something to eat too. Or spending $2 on something a cold cereal, cake/cookie mix that is a real treat for you or spending the money on a box of your childhood favorite hot cereal.

3) Starts to get sexy with you, a grown adult woman, and is mortified when he learns you’ve had sexual experiences with other men and repeatedly throws it in your face when ever he doesn’t get his way.

4) Has money for cigarettes, pop/soda, candy and to eat out or get mods/expansion packs for games; but, can’t help pay insurance, vehicle maintenance/repairs, electric, gas, rent, or bills. Then lays a guilt trip on you because you ask for his portion and of course it cuts him short of what he wants to do. If your lucky, he’ll throw a few dollars your way to cover a little of the bill otherwise he’ll go and blow that on candy/cigs in a temper tantrum while saying you can’t be so horrible as to make him.

5) Chooses to spend hours playing games on computer/game system instead of doing stuff that was planned such as household maintenance/upkeep/seasonal chores (snow shoveling/lawn mowing), date night, shopping.

6) 10 yrs of dealing with CRS issues. Still gets mad to blind rages over notes, phone calls, calendar, to do lists, etc. so he doesn’t miss his appointments, activities, and can keep his promises to others (especially his children).

7) Asks you for a meal suggestion. Agrees to fix it or something similar depending on negotiations. Then if he’s really OK and into it. It will taste heavenly. But if he’s not… it will be the nastiest thing in the world to eat while looking food mag photo shoot ready. And get butt hurt if you do something to choke it down like get an extra glass of water, add salt or a condiment, or add something to try to get it to be less.

8) Sends a dick pic then cries if you don’t cheer and start a parade in his honor.

9) Gives me a hard time over the shows I watch being too gross and depressing, is quick to make snide remarks, eye roll, snort, and leave the room if I ask to watch one of the shows I really like to watch. If I suggest other shows that I know he’s enjoyed watching then I get a hard time about having penile envy or trying to win my father’s approval still (ex. Forged in Fire, Counting Cars, Top Gear, Top Shot, Grand Tour.) Gets all hurt if I joke about not wanting to disturb his girl time when he’s watching (Reba, or Grace & Frankie or some similar show that’s really popular with my female friends that their husbands can’t stand to watch).  

10. Refuses to stand up for you or your children because you are all classified as abnormal crippled freaks of nature that the world would be better off without per family who make remarks about the little freaks of nature you spawned

11. Refuses to help with what is felt to be “woman’s work” such as washing clothes and dishes and cleaning, watching children, picking them up from-taking too school/activities. Also refusing to fix or replace items such as dishwasher, washing machine, dryer that would make the housekeeping easier to do.

12. Tuning out during conversations that involve unpleasant stuff like scheduling, money/ Bills/financials/taxes, work, chores.

13. Gets all butt hurt when asked to do something that you normally do but can’t due to medical restrictions (post op lifting/bending restrictions, not to get wet wound/cast/burn, etc.) ex. Washing dishes/laundry by hand, cleaning the cat’s litter box, taking the dog out/for a walk.

14. Freaks out when you spend money on yourself for personal care items (soap/shampoo/conditioner/lotion/pads/tampons), to replace truly worn out clothing/shoes, but doesn’t comprehend/understand when you do it because he bought the latest and greatest item that’s not in the budget. Especially after berating you for your extravagance of buying something.

15. Breaking promises to spend time one-on-one with you especially for big special occurrences like an anniversary or screwing up on time management so that special event (dinner reservations, movie/ concert/play, trip to the store for something long anticipated) can’t happen because of getting so involved in a game or hanging out with his buddies’ time slips by. Then doesn’t understand why you felt hurt by it cause it was really no big deal and you need to be more understanding of his needs.

16. Not remembering something that should be routine after all the time you’ve spent together like an allergy and then blaming you for not telling him you are allergic to the ingredient/item.

17. Constantly forgetting your birthday or a special event a party happening because of a graduation/promotion/award won, again treating it like you are blowing it out of proportion or making a mountain out of a mole hill. Yet would/does go nuclear if the same ever happened to him by you.

18. gets all butt hurt if someone buys you something from your wish list because he was planning on doing it but just hadn’t gotten around to it and never seems to remember to do so even when reminded that it’s there.

19. Denying that there is a problem with rape culture and how rape is handled by those outside of the incident. When I say outside of the incident I'm talking not the parties involved  in the incident (not the perp(s) nor the victim(s)) but those who work in the medical and mental health fields, police, cops, sheriffs, attorneys, judges, writers for books, movies, plays, songs, and TV shows, directors, club and bar crowds, etc. etc.

20. Wants a detailed military style itinerary of any time you are away from him or the house for any reason but goes ballistic if you request the same from him. Uses your safety, your health, crime statistics, etc. as justification while saying they don’t apply towards him.

21. Mansplaining... 

22. Downplaying ideas that are pitched to him for feedback be it paint colors, dinner suggestions, furniture rearrangement, work projects/promotions/ideas, car buying, electronics equipment purchases, etc. Then swooping in and promoting them as his own original ideas when said woman is trying to present them with maybe a 2-5% change (most commonly the use of I or inserting his name, contact info in place of hers). Gaining the praise, recommendation, business connections, etc. that were rightfully for the other party.

23. Denying that women are treated differently. Making false assumptions about women based on stereotypical or  gender biased myths, cultural references, and locker room talk.    

24. Telling you he has no family when, in fact, he does. 

25. Not saying anything about using all the toilet paper in the bathroom and not responding to yells/shouts/texts/screams to bring more. Or not remembering to pick up any at the store no matter how many texts, lists, phone call reminders are given.

Number 24 is one that I have sadly experienced and seen repeatedly. I experienced it when I was told there was no surviving parents. However, on the wedding day about 5 minutes before walking down the isle I learned this was a lie. I had an unknown woman demanding that I come out of the place where I was changing into my wedding attired because she needed to speak to me. When I appeared she started belittling my fiancé and saying all kinds of nasty things about us. that's when I learned that in fact I would have a mother in law after all. And it's been a miserable relationship for the both of us ever since. 

I've seen many a male relative when I was growing up lie to some woman he was making a move on be it in the bar, the café, truck stop, or simply on the street. If I played my cards right I'd get a five or ten to keep my mouth shut about the wife and kids back home waiting for him. If I really played them right I could get an easy $20 if I not only left out the wife and kids, but the other girlfriend or two or three and the kids they had who sometimes slipped and called him Daddy, too. 

I can't tell you how horrible this is for both the woman sitting at home wondering whether to serve dinner while it's hot and not a charcoal brisket or how to save it so it's fresh and edible for the big man of the house upon his eventual arrival and the woman who thinks she's the lucky one he chose to shower with his attention and friendship and later discovers that he wasn't as alone and string free as he led her to believe.

It's even worse I feel, if she's the emotional type who sheds tears over the poor man left all alone to face the world  and it's cruel challenges or a twist of fate because of his beloved family having met death through a tragic demise or ran off in order to escape the horrid future of standing by him as he deals with what ever cruel challenge or twist of fate that was presented. And there's nothing lower than picking a dreaded life draining disease like cancer, a form of muscular dystrophy or MS, blood or immune disorder or some other medically high drama low survival success rate disease or disorder. There should be a combo level of all of the rings of hell from Dante's inferno for a man who stoops this low. 

It's not surprising at all to me that the man who begged for my answer to his most pressing and urgent question disappeared for a lengthy time and wouldn't respond to me saying that my answer was ready and I looked forward to discussing it further with him. It's also not surprising that as soon as he reappeared he blocked me from all possible contact. I guess that proves my theory correct don't ask such a question because you won't like or be able to handle the answer.

Maybe It's Just Me: Paranoia... Is It Ever Justified or Justifiable?

Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

Heavy questions that I hope will make you go hmmm… I know it’s making me go hmmm… right now.

I have experience with traumas. I have been told that I am cursed to live a life of horrible things. I’ve also been told and have read about real life horrors and traumas. I’ve seen things that make me wish for a way to unseen it. I’ve heard things that also make me wish I could unhear them. I’ve knowledge and experience of things that no one should have. I know the taste of loneliness for being a lightening rod for horrible things to happen. I know to expect the isolation and judgment that will probably come because I’m asking these questions and wanting to discuss the hot topic of paranoia in someone my type.

When I say I read or heard about traumas then be aware that I’m talking about one of four things: 1.) The news that is reported via newspaper, television, or radio broadcasts. 2.) What is talked about in gossip at the local gathering places (e.g. the post office, the coffee klatches either in residences or cafes and coffee shops, the women’s only tea parties or circles, laundry mats, etc). 3.) In history books and required reading for classes like English Literature or History. 4.) The stories that were told by survivors themselves or their descendants.

If you look at me on a good day you would assume that I have no reason to be paranoid or to have experienced any traumas other than what I’ve read about or heard about. If you see me on a bad day, well you might still assume that the same goes or you could assume that I brought it on myself. I know the flavor of the later because I’ve heard it from the doctors and nurses in the ER, plastics, general medicine, gynecological and mental health fields, the counselors in the support groups for those touched by ___ incidents, police and security guards, attorneys and judges, CPS workers, teachers, friends and family, and potential employers.

I was triggered to bring up this topic by an uncomfortable incident that occurred and now it’s making me doubt my reality. I’m finding myself sounding paranoid for no reason and yet maybe there is a valid reason to my paranoia and I’m not paranoid at all but normal in my response.

Those who know me know that I use a walker a lot of the time because of my health issues from both medical problems and years of abuse/hard living (sports, being a klutz), especially when the weather is cooperative and sidewalks and roads aren’t filled horribly with the obstacles of ice and snow.

It’s also known that whenever I leave my home I take a backpack with me. It’s filled with all the potential stuff I may need and things I might not need, with room to pack stuff I may get if I’m shopping or visiting the library, and of course it’s got my knitting and sketchbook too. It’s a cross between my purse and an adult version of a diaper bag. Sometimes it contains items for whichever of my children goes with me. It’s definitely my go with me bag and does give me a more mysterious air than a normal person as not having a car means I have to have more stuff on me than a typical person might. They also know that I am more than willing to cooperate with the stop and frisk but will not be separated from my bag unless it is guaranteed that it will be kept safely and securely. I may leave my walker unattended but never my bag.

So, I get all too well that having these two items separately or together can and might single me out for unwanted attention. I know my walk gives me away, too. Sometimes my clothing has, especially in the past. Just as I know if someone recognizes me from my past the very same can happen. It’s enough to make me wonder if there’s a flashing marquee over my head announcing my name and statuses, especially when I'm kicked out for being inside a place on the wrong day and time when otherwise there would be no problem, or having to change my seating at a restaurant or café. It makes me totally understand how it’s perceived as me bringing it on myself.

But did I really bring it on myself this time? If I did, what should I do differently in the future. If I didn’t, what should I do differently in the future? Do I need professional mental health help or am I still normal? Should someone be calling the people in the white coats to haul me away…

They’re coming to take me away hee-hee, they’re coming to take me away ha, ha, ha…. to the funny farm where … Oh right, not time for music. Sorry for that. Now where was I.

Ah yes, the trigger which brought this all up.

I needed to hit the books for a class I’m taking. I don’t need them long term and they’re quite expensive via Amazon and Barnes and Noble so I hit several of the local used book stores and as a last resort the library system. When I couldn’t get connected to the library system, I had to go in search of the books. With these utter fails, I thought it best to go talk to a person for help or advice as to how I could find what I need. I knew my friend would be working and she’d be willing to help me, so I sucked it up and went.

I knew it was a risky thing for me to do and yet I did it anyway. With the long distance to reach there the first thing I did was hit the restroom. Upon entering, I noticed something was off and I backed out immediately to report it when I had a run in with security. It was someone I’ve had previous run in with before so I did the whole song and dance routine with the addition of reporting the restroom. Then I went to someone who works there and reported the incident to them and they said they’d take care of it so I went off to search for what I needed.

While I was searching, I was approached by a different security person. At first I didn’t think anything about it as they do patrol around the shelves. I got a bit spooked when it was clear that he was coming to me specifically and not doing a patrol. I got more spooked when I realized there were two of them. I became scared when I was told to follow them to a back meeting area. I willingly left with them to be questioned. I didn’t suspect anything very serious was up at this time. I felt it was odd but just assumed it was standard procedure as I had been at the scene of an incident.

However, it was more than that. My bag was dumped and searched. The items it contained were questioned by the guards. His partner made phone calls to verify some of the contents and photocopied my doctors proof of poor health stuff which I hadn’t removed from my bag yet having planned to drop it off on Monday. Mainly my epi pen, albuterol inhaler, anxiety medications, Benadryl, and my reusable drink container which I pack in case I need Benadryl or anxiety medication were questioned. My wallet was emptied of its contents, thus my other IDs were found. Now upon the pair making it clear that I was the one they wanted I did grab my driver’s license and so I was ready and I did hand it to the person who asked for my ID. I had not put my driver's license back into my wallet after the original arrival question and reporting the restroom incident, so it was handy and available. I didn’t need to get it out of my bag like I normally would have to do and had done the first time.

 I was told that when I present my state issued driver’s license and/or state ID that I also need to present my city issued disabled ID. (The city has mandated that if a disabled person wants to use public transportation especially for buying a monthly pass that they need to have a special issued photo ID identifying them as disabled or they can’t get the fare discount offered to them.) This bothered me and I questioned it right then and there as I’d never heard this before and was under the presumption that this ID was ONLY good with public transportation and nothing else. It was a really intense time for me waiting alone with this person and not being sure what further intentions were had for me.

I was released, obviously since I’m writing this, as my medications were deemed legit and I didn’t have any unchecked-out CDs, DVDs, or books with me. The only thing taken was my contraband, a candy bar and some jerky as food is not allowed.

Before I could pack everything up an officer came in to discuss the incident I’d reported to the other security guard. He looked at the medications and stuck his head out to question the guard that had left prior to his entry. He then asked to see my IDs. He radioed it in and went about his business of filling out what was on his clipboard. He asked the questions and let me pack up the rest of the way. He then stated what the security guard said about presenting the city ID, but he too refused to answer as to why this is needed.

So now the paranoia part. Remember at the beginning of this I asked the following: Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

With this incident and similar past incidents over my lifetime, am I being paranoid to have what my friend back east calls a cop bag made up? Should I start keeping my IDs separate in my pocket or continue to put them in my wallet? Typically, the city ID is kept with my monthly bus pass. It wasn’t this time and was in my wallet because I need to have both IDs (state and city) when I purchase next month’s pass on Monday. Should I get a copy of my medical alert wallet card and keep that in my cop bag along with a copy with my medications? I currently just have the card in my wallet and in my bag pocket where I have the medications. Since my Epi Pen is in the original box always I never considered keeping a copy with it. Should I get a note from my doctor(s) regarding the incontinence and keep that with those supplies which is part of the reason I use a backpack?

Am I being paranoid about looking like a homeless person for having those supplies with me or am I nipping that assumption in regards to those items (a pair of thin stretchy pants similar to yoga pants, baby wipes, packet of Kleenex and the depend/underwear, pair of socks and a couple of small garbage bags)? Having witnessed/experienced bad cops/security guards in my lifetime am I being realistically concerned or paranoid for getting frightened every time I have an unintentional encounter with a cop/security guard?

Was my fear/paranoia justifiable? Was it a good thing to be alert and aware to the point of trying to ingrain the badge number, name, uniform, descriptions of the four I interacted with today in my brain or was it an over-reaction, thus paranoid, response? When is it okay or is it okay to do this? Do I need help for this repeated feeling every time I am with them? Am I wrong to feel scared to an extreme sense because of who I am or is that okay? I’ve been told it’s wrong because I’m privileged but I know that when it comes to bad people my perceived privilege won’t and hasn’t kept me safe.

Knitting FAIL

Proof that I am only human after all and not a knitting Goddess.

I am attempting to learn how to double knit. The Pattern is Hugs and Kisses by

Lucy Neatby

Yarn being used: The Fibre Co Luma Breton and The Fibre Co Luma Sangria

Time to frog. 😢

Log Cabin KAL

 Off to a descent start with a log cabin. Yes, I'm crazy and participating in the Mason Dixon knit along.

Happy New Year

Nothing welcomes a new year better than a new journal. This time it's a custom one made with the help of a former neighbors wee ones and guidance from dear Effy Wild and her tutorials.