Maybe It's Just Me: Paranoia... Is It Ever Justified or Justifiable?

Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

Heavy questions that I hope will make you go hmmm… I know it’s making me go hmmm… right now.

I have experience with traumas. I have been told that I am cursed to live a life of horrible things. I’ve also been told and have read about real life horrors and traumas. I’ve seen things that make me wish for a way to unseen it. I’ve heard things that also make me wish I could unhear them. I’ve knowledge and experience of things that no one should have. I know the taste of loneliness for being a lightening rod for horrible things to happen. I know to expect the isolation and judgment that will probably come because I’m asking these questions and wanting to discuss the hot topic of paranoia in someone my type.

When I say I read or heard about traumas then be aware that I’m talking about one of four things: 1.) The news that is reported via newspaper, television, or radio broadcasts. 2.) What is talked about in gossip at the local gathering places (e.g. the post office, the coffee klatches either in residences or cafes and coffee shops, the women’s only tea parties or circles, laundry mats, etc). 3.) In history books and required reading for classes like English Literature or History. 4.) The stories that were told by survivors themselves or their descendants.

If you look at me on a good day you would assume that I have no reason to be paranoid or to have experienced any traumas other than what I’ve read about or heard about. If you see me on a bad day, well you might still assume that the same goes or you could assume that I brought it on myself. I know the flavor of the later because I’ve heard it from the doctors and nurses in the ER, plastics, general medicine, gynecological and mental health fields, the counselors in the support groups for those touched by ___ incidents, police and security guards, attorneys and judges, CPS workers, teachers, friends and family, and potential employers.

I was triggered to bring up this topic by an uncomfortable incident that occurred and now it’s making me doubt my reality. I’m finding myself sounding paranoid for no reason and yet maybe there is a valid reason to my paranoia and I’m not paranoid at all but normal in my response.

Those who know me know that I use a walker a lot of the time because of my health issues from both medical problems and years of abuse/hard living (sports, being a klutz), especially when the weather is cooperative and sidewalks and roads aren’t filled horribly with the obstacles of ice and snow.

It’s also known that whenever I leave my home I take a backpack with me. It’s filled with all the potential stuff I may need and things I might not need, with room to pack stuff I may get if I’m shopping or visiting the library, and of course it’s got my knitting and sketchbook too. It’s a cross between my purse and an adult version of a diaper bag. Sometimes it contains items for whichever of my children goes with me. It’s definitely my go with me bag and does give me a more mysterious air than a normal person as not having a car means I have to have more stuff on me than a typical person might. They also know that I am more than willing to cooperate with the stop and frisk but will not be separated from my bag unless it is guaranteed that it will be kept safely and securely. I may leave my walker unattended but never my bag.

So, I get all too well that having these two items separately or together can and might single me out for unwanted attention. I know my walk gives me away, too. Sometimes my clothing has, especially in the past. Just as I know if someone recognizes me from my past the very same can happen. It’s enough to make me wonder if there’s a flashing marquee over my head announcing my name and statuses, especially when I'm kicked out for being inside a place on the wrong day and time when otherwise there would be no problem, or having to change my seating at a restaurant or café. It makes me totally understand how it’s perceived as me bringing it on myself.

But did I really bring it on myself this time? If I did, what should I do differently in the future. If I didn’t, what should I do differently in the future? Do I need professional mental health help or am I still normal? Should someone be calling the people in the white coats to haul me away…

They’re coming to take me away hee-hee, they’re coming to take me away ha, ha, ha…. to the funny farm where … Oh right, not time for music. Sorry for that. Now where was I.

Ah yes, the trigger which brought this all up.

I needed to hit the books for a class I’m taking. I don’t need them long term and they’re quite expensive via Amazon and Barnes and Noble so I hit several of the local used book stores and as a last resort the library system. When I couldn’t get connected to the library system, I had to go in search of the books. With these utter fails, I thought it best to go talk to a person for help or advice as to how I could find what I need. I knew my friend would be working and she’d be willing to help me, so I sucked it up and went.

I knew it was a risky thing for me to do and yet I did it anyway. With the long distance to reach there the first thing I did was hit the restroom. Upon entering, I noticed something was off and I backed out immediately to report it when I had a run in with security. It was someone I’ve had previous run in with before so I did the whole song and dance routine with the addition of reporting the restroom. Then I went to someone who works there and reported the incident to them and they said they’d take care of it so I went off to search for what I needed.

While I was searching, I was approached by a different security person. At first I didn’t think anything about it as they do patrol around the shelves. I got a bit spooked when it was clear that he was coming to me specifically and not doing a patrol. I got more spooked when I realized there were two of them. I became scared when I was told to follow them to a back meeting area. I willingly left with them to be questioned. I didn’t suspect anything very serious was up at this time. I felt it was odd but just assumed it was standard procedure as I had been at the scene of an incident.

However, it was more than that. My bag was dumped and searched. The items it contained were questioned by the guards. His partner made phone calls to verify some of the contents and photocopied my doctors proof of poor health stuff which I hadn’t removed from my bag yet having planned to drop it off on Monday. Mainly my epi pen, albuterol inhaler, anxiety medications, Benadryl, and my reusable drink container which I pack in case I need Benadryl or anxiety medication were questioned. My wallet was emptied of its contents, thus my other IDs were found. Now upon the pair making it clear that I was the one they wanted I did grab my driver’s license and so I was ready and I did hand it to the person who asked for my ID. I had not put my driver's license back into my wallet after the original arrival question and reporting the restroom incident, so it was handy and available. I didn’t need to get it out of my bag like I normally would have to do and had done the first time.

 I was told that when I present my state issued driver’s license and/or state ID that I also need to present my city issued disabled ID. (The city has mandated that if a disabled person wants to use public transportation especially for buying a monthly pass that they need to have a special issued photo ID identifying them as disabled or they can’t get the fare discount offered to them.) This bothered me and I questioned it right then and there as I’d never heard this before and was under the presumption that this ID was ONLY good with public transportation and nothing else. It was a really intense time for me waiting alone with this person and not being sure what further intentions were had for me.

I was released, obviously since I’m writing this, as my medications were deemed legit and I didn’t have any unchecked-out CDs, DVDs, or books with me. The only thing taken was my contraband, a candy bar and some jerky as food is not allowed.

Before I could pack everything up an officer came in to discuss the incident I’d reported to the other security guard. He looked at the medications and stuck his head out to question the guard that had left prior to his entry. He then asked to see my IDs. He radioed it in and went about his business of filling out what was on his clipboard. He asked the questions and let me pack up the rest of the way. He then stated what the security guard said about presenting the city ID, but he too refused to answer as to why this is needed.

So now the paranoia part. Remember at the beginning of this I asked the following: Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

With this incident and similar past incidents over my lifetime, am I being paranoid to have what my friend back east calls a cop bag made up? Should I start keeping my IDs separate in my pocket or continue to put them in my wallet? Typically, the city ID is kept with my monthly bus pass. It wasn’t this time and was in my wallet because I need to have both IDs (state and city) when I purchase next month’s pass on Monday. Should I get a copy of my medical alert wallet card and keep that in my cop bag along with a copy with my medications? I currently just have the card in my wallet and in my bag pocket where I have the medications. Since my Epi Pen is in the original box always I never considered keeping a copy with it. Should I get a note from my doctor(s) regarding the incontinence and keep that with those supplies which is part of the reason I use a backpack?

Am I being paranoid about looking like a homeless person for having those supplies with me or am I nipping that assumption in regards to those items (a pair of thin stretchy pants similar to yoga pants, baby wipes, packet of Kleenex and the depend/underwear, pair of socks and a couple of small garbage bags)? Having witnessed/experienced bad cops/security guards in my lifetime am I being realistically concerned or paranoid for getting frightened every time I have an unintentional encounter with a cop/security guard?

Was my fear/paranoia justifiable? Was it a good thing to be alert and aware to the point of trying to ingrain the badge number, name, uniform, descriptions of the four I interacted with today in my brain or was it an over-reaction, thus paranoid, response? When is it okay or is it okay to do this? Do I need help for this repeated feeling every time I am with them? Am I wrong to feel scared to an extreme sense because of who I am or is that okay? I’ve been told it’s wrong because I’m privileged but I know that when it comes to bad people my perceived privilege won’t and hasn’t kept me safe.