I'm not yet sure what to make of the information I have been given. It's a lot to process. I'm having a lot of emotions that are coming to the surface. Some have to be reined in and others need to be let out. I'm a jumbled mess but I promised an update.
Over all, I'm feeling a lot of relief. Having a name or diagnoses no matter how horrible it makes the future is such a huge relief to me. I know it sounds crazy but for the last several years I've known deep down inside that something wasn't right. In fact, I knew that this name was probably what we were dealing with exactly. So honest injun no it's not a true shock or surprise. Now I have confirmation and proof that there is indeed something not right. I'm no longer dealing with a nameless, faceless monster stalking my child. It has a name and face and now it can be dealt with appropriately and once and for all. That is really big for me. I'm more afraid of living with what I don't know than living and dealing with something known and having a name. Yes, that makes me weird.
Some of the feelings that are running around relief, fear, anger, sadness, confusion, hurt, betrayal, concern...and some that I just can't put a finger on.
I am angry. I'm beyond livid and boiling mad because I have been lied to. I'm am extremely sad not because of the diagnoses but because it was hidden from me. Help was denied because of a lie.
I am confused because time is absolutely critical with this diagnoses and we have lost so much of it. I can't wrap my brain around why the lies, hiding, and denial that this is really what we are dealing with.
I oddly enough feel triumphant. Why? because I was right again. Lil' ol me who failed all those classes who dared to look for an explanation as to why I failed and dared to question what was going on. Yep, I'm feeling pretty happy that now I know why I failed and it had nothing to do with how I was raised nor with how much I did or didn't apply myself to the lessons. It's so good to know that Yes, I am smart enough.
I am afraid because there's so much to do and so little time left. To some it seems like I have a long time before the age of 18 but in reality it's nothing more than a blink of an eye. 21 will be here before I know it. so much work has to be done and I'm not sure how to even get it started.
I'm sad because I have to give up the hopes and dreams that I have held close to my heart. there are things that others will get to do that we most likely will not get to do with our precious child and that well it makes me very sad. I've been told that grief will hit me out of the blue especially when these milestone events occur for the others. I suppose it may be true but I hope not as I've cried a river and at least a half an ocean over the things that I wanted for my child that will never be.
I'm definitely on a path less traveled at least here. I hope that we'll be able to follow a map or at least get a compass to guide us other than what we've been using.
Oh and the name of the monster that we've been dealing with....
well, it's autism. Something my dd shouldn't possibly have. After all girls don't catch autism according to the pediatric neurologist we've been dealing with.
