2013 Fear Avoidance List Accomplishment 3 The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

I did it!!!! I did it!!!! I accomplished something that I felt doomed at ever getting done. I have now read "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien from start to finish.

I can't begin to describe everything that I went through with this book as it was extremely intense, ultra personal and still a bit raw. This book has been haunting me since I first learned of it when I was a child. It's one of the things that kept me from making the straight A honor roll in junior high and high school. It got me teased and tormented for being a coward by those who didn't understand and it caused many a nightmare some which were of the living variety.

I loved to read as a child. It helped me to escape my day to day reality. It gave me something to do that wasn't considered a complete idle waste of time unlike my art did. It couldn't be judged for the most part as good or bad as it simply was and best of all it gave me something to think on during the not so nice times.

There's just something about doing cleaning house be it vacuuming, scrubbing floors on your hands and knees, laundry, shoveling snow, raking leaves, cleaning up dog poo, etc. or waiting for something to happen like the bus to come, class to start or end, lunch alone, recess to get over with, etc. that leaves you time to think. I had too much time to think and it often got me in trouble. 

That's when the discovery of reading something for fun could be thought on during the thinking times. You can't imagine the joy I felt at being able to use the time that I was already using for thinking on thinking about what I had read. It was a huge aha moment. That's when I started really getting friendly with the librarians at both the school and public library. In turn they started pointing me to books they thought I would enjoy. Mysteries, Westerns, How to, general fiction etc. was just a few of the genres that they pointed me to. Eventually this led to "The Hobbit".

As part of my unique upbringing as a child, there were certain things that one just didn't do. Ever!!! Reading and or watching Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror fell into this category. I was lucky the first time I was caught with "The Hobbit". I only got a mild thrashing which meant just two weeks of school missed and a lecture about sin, damnation, and my soul winding up in hell. It was enough to make my fear of "The Hobbit" take off.

It was further aided by the second thrashing I received because my "babysitter" decided to watch the animated cartoon movie version on TV. I honestly hadn't seen much of the movie when I was busted by my mother and step-father as having watched a little bit of a scene. I had gone into the living room to get the babysitter because her youngest had wet the bed and I didn't know what else to do but stand there and wait for a commercial before I interrupted her, thus leading to me to appear more guilty than I actually was.

In junior high, my English teacher had made those of us in the advanced program read various books of literature. I remember staring at the list and seeing "The Hobbit" on it and then the next thing I knew I was on the floor surrounded by a concerned teacher and other students. Oh how I dreaded showing that list to my parents but I was smart enough to leave the book in my locker. There was quite a row the next day at school as my step-father went toe to toe with everyone from the teacher to the dean of girls, to the guidance counselor, to the assistant principal and principal and on up to the superintendent of schools. I was lucky and assigned another book to read in it's place plus three additional writing assignments to make up for it. At home I wasn't quite as lucky as I was punished with extra work to do, loss of TV, and phone privileges.

I really had begun to think that this book was a part of some dark magic or a curse. I knew it when I was sent to stay at a place that was just plain weird. I won't get into that here but it cemented my fear of "The Hobbit" and brought a new fear into creation involving "The Lord of the Ring" series. The place had rules, regulations, rituals, and a language of its own. It had a taken bits and pieces of "The Hobbit", "The Lord of the Ring", Greek, Roman, Norse, and Celtic myths and lore, street slang from the time period, and mixed it all together with a version of military boot camp to be a true place of nightmares. It was a bit of a nasty shock to me that I was stuck in such a crazy mixed up place. It taught me to fear the work of J.R.R. Tolkien in away that my step-father hadn't been able to do. When I finally got out of that place, I had no love for anything related to the Shire, Rivendell, Elves, etc. etc.

In High School, my English teacher again assigned me to read "The Hobbit". My step-father appealed and fought but the superintendent didn't budge and I had to try to read it. It wasn't something I was mentally prepared to undergo. I had been damaged to the point that to read the story brought back painful, hideous memories.

I needed to talk to someone about it but there wasn't anyone. The number one lesson I learned in the place because it was drilled into my head through pain, sweat and tears was simply that one didn't talk about the place to others especially outsiders. If one needed to talk to someone about the place then one had to show the coin and speak the Elvish words and if the other could produce a coin or ring and speak the words back, then you could speak about place. If no coin or ring produced or Elvish words spoken one had to keep quite.

I couldn't find anyone to speak to because the test failed. The counselor I could have accessed and spoke to about things and who might have helped me adjust and get through "The Hobbit" had disappeared. The caseworker had been transferred to a different location. The last resort ombudsman person I couldn't reach by the phone number I was given as it had been disconnected and no one answered my letters for help.

I struggled to cope. I was having nightmares that persisted during the day. I was fearful of being drug back to the hellish place for breaking the rules and talking about the book. The book and the place were so closely intertwined in my head that I couldn't see at the time how to separate the two.

I was having to listen as others talked about the story both inside and outside of the classroom. I internally struggled with wanting to talk about it like my peers were and the teacher wanted and not wanting to talk about it for fear of being sent back to the place. I didn't know what to do or how to talk without talking. It triggered anxiety attacks which were horrible.

Because of not participating in the classroom discussions and not being able to read as required, I was failing the class. Because of what had happened inside the place along with my failing the class, my step-father saw it as a sign to begin the punishments a new.  Thus I felt like I had died and entered hell which cemented my fear of and strengthened my belief that "The Hobbit" was dark magic and a deadly curse.

Eventually I escaped my mother and step-father and I found a counselor who cared enough to help me break free of my deeply ingrained reactions to the place. This led about my second independent attempt to read "The Hobbit". I made it to the scene in the forest and couldn't go further. I quit and gave up. Then "The Lord of the Rings" movies were coming out and I was faced with my silly irrational fear of them so with the aid of my mentor I tried to work through it. I managed fairly well so I figured I would try again to read "The Hobbit" and made it a little farther than before in the part of the forest before I just couldn't do it.

Until this time around, I had managed to make a bit of peace with my never having success at reading the book. I was told by many a counselor and my mentor that there was no shame in not reading the book completely because I had a valid reason more than most as to why I couldn't get through it.

A couple of years ago I began to get a notion to read this dreaded book. I knew that time was running out because it would be something my own children would have to read eventually for an English class. I knew that I'd have to be able to handle it as their mother no falling apart would be allowed. Especially if I didn't want them to have a prejudicial view of the book and truly wanted the cycle to be broken.

I also knew that with the release of the movie version of "The Hobbit" coming in December, 2012 I would be forced to face my fear pretty much where ever I went. Now a days one can't go too far without being blasted with advertisements, conversations, displays of merchandise, etc. for long anticipated movies. Whether I wanted to or not my time to face my fear was now. Yet, I couldn't before January, 2013.

I had long conversations with my mentor and a few friends about what I was going to do. It wasn't easy to scrounge up my courage after all I'd tried several times and failed. I felt ready to start and the book wasn't available as all copies had been checked out. What was I to do? Request a hold or go buy it at a book store?

It was extremely hard to request that a copy of "The Hobbit" be put on hold for me at the library but it is what I did. I've come full circle now it seems. It's odd how things have worked out. I first learned of this story at a public library in a distant town and I am now returning the book to our local public library because I have actually read it cover to cover successfully. I can now see exactly why the librarian at the time had the nerve to recommend it to me and I am oh so glad she did.

It's not a curse or dark magic as I was taught to believe by my step-father's reaction to me with the book and my experience with the place. I don't know why my step-father was so against this author and this book. It will forever be shrouded in time as a mystery because he's gone to where I can't ask him why. I don't know why I had to experience such a horrible time with this book. I just did. I hope it has made me a better person overall and I hope those who I offended by my strong negative reaction to the book can forgive me for it.

It is a with a great sense of peace and like I've righted something long wrong within me because of gluing something back together deep inside that I now experience. It's good enough that I have gone to the book store and bought a copy for my library. In fact, I am off to begin reading this delightful tale to my children. Until next time....

2013 Fear Avoidance List Accomplishment 2: Filet Crochet

I did it. I completed another project on my fear avoidance list for 2013. This time in the form of a Filet Crochet project although I didn't choose white or off white for this particular project as I went with what I had on hand. 

Filet Crochet didn't have the fear associated with it like the Granny Squares did. It was more of a lack of confidence that comes from being told your too dumb and clumsy to be able to do something so fine and delicate. I knew lots of people who did this type of crochet. I had a Great Aunt who made table runners and alter cloths for churches in this style and another Great Aunt who was well known for her delicate curtains, table cloths, bed spreads and wall hangings. Then there were the adopted grandmother type women in my life also did this delicate dainty bits of work and sold their pieces for good money a couple of different examples were christening gowns and wedding and birth samplers.. They put hours and hours into their pieces and liked to talk about these projects with lots of pride when custom orders were made especially if it involved a church or confirmation, baptism, and wedding type event.  Their speed and reputation intimidated me. I felt a pressure that if I got into this type of crocheting that I'd have to be just as good if not better than they were. Something that my mother and step-father weren't shy about implying and talking about. My mother didn't even attempt it because of the pressure she felt from her husband. That didn't exactly make me feel like it was possible for me to do it at the time.

Those that I knew who made such lovely pieces are all gone now. The opportunity for me to learn from them especially after I gained experience and confidence in crocheting was lost. Some of the pieces I have that were made for me or given to me are starting to show their age and disintegrate and/or need a bit of repair. I haven't been able to find anyone who knows how to do this type of crochet and would be willing to recreate these pieces or attempt to repair them.

Because of my success with the Granny square I thought I would try my hand at Filet Crochet. I chose this praying hands piece to do because it was the pattern I recall hearing my mentors say was the easiest to create. It also is something that I saw them do both for income and for self satisfaction. I'm glad that I did it. While the actual crochet part of this piece is done, it's not totally finished. Besides running in my tail, I have to block this piece and starch it.

It feels amazing to have completed this piece also. I actually found this type of crocheting to be rather enjoyable and I hope to be able to do another piece soon. I do find myself wishing that I hadn't waited so long to attempt it because I have a few questions about tension and blocking that I wish I could ask my Great Aunts about instead of learning it through trial and error. I have peace with the timing though and amazed at how quickly I was  able to get it done and well how good it looks even in the rough fresh off the hook. Maybe Grandma Ethel was right and its in my blood after all.

2013 Fear Avoidance List Accomplishment 1: Granny Square

I did it. I completed a Granny Square. I'm so excited at finally being successful and defeating a fear that has held me captive for over 20 years that I just couldn't wait to show you.

 Now technically it's not completely finished because I have that dangling little bit of yarn to run into the piece still  as all my tutors in the art of crochet would screaming at me if I were to show them this as it is. Well, to them I say hush now. I promise that I will run that tiny little piece of thread in before it's used. I just couldn't wait another minute to show that I've faced this fear. It was hard enough waiting for the battery to charge in the camera and the computer to warm up, and then to load the program so I could get it re-sized for sharing with those who take a minute to look here at it. 

It is such a huge feeling of relief to finally lay this issue to rest and accomplish something so very basic as what you see above. It's also a little bitter sweet and twinged with sadness because my beloved Gram,  Aunt E, and all the ladies at the center of my support circle growing up aren't here to see it. Oh, I'm sure they can see what I've done and are cheering loud and clear just outside of my frequency to hear them or well I hope they are as they've all left this world except for maybe Aunt E. I lost touch with her a long time ago when we had to move suddenly.

Is it perfect? I don't know. Does it look right I think so with the exception of my dangling bit that I have left out in my haste to share. It's definitely better than anything I have done in the past. I try not to look to closely for faults as I'm not sure enough in my ability of being able to keep my step-father's voice on mute. It's getting better. I've just had more time of hearing his negative voice and painful experiences to reinforce his negative messages than I do positive, empowering over coming and conquering his lessons. I've made progress but it's been slow. With this success I think I'll be picking up speed and erasing the tapes.

 

One of the items that I have avoided and feared doing has been making Granny Squares.  I spent over 20 years listening to people go on and on about how simple they are and how to be a true crocheter you should be able to do a Granny Square. I can't tell you how horrible and worthless that made me feel. How doubtful I was about even continuing with crocheting. How many books and cute, fun projects I rejected over the years simply because they contained a Granny Square. I can't tell you how much I missed out on because of this little issue of mine with this  very basic, beginning crochet project.

My fear started in my youth before I hit the double digit of 10 years old. My step-father's brother's wife E made beautiful afghans, dolls, flowers, coats, etc. etc. out of yarn. She was amazing to watch because her hands just flew with her quick neat rows of stitches and I would sit and watch her work for hours. I wanted to learn how to do the flowers, dolls and especially the coats she made.

 My mother's sister had started showing me how to crochet as it was something she enjoyed doing and I was very depressed that I was going to have to wait 9 whole months for school to get out so I could pick up my lessons. So aunt E  offered to work with me so I wouldn't have to wait for 9  months to get started. She was pleased that I could chain already and felt that it would be good for me to start on a quick moving project of a Granny square.

What age and experience forgets is that youth and inexperience can struggle to learn something. what's simple for one isn't always so simple for another. It was a nightmare for both of us. She was too fast, too quick, to simplistic in her instructions. I couldn't follow her and have it look as nice and neat as hers did. This angered my step-father to no end. As he wondered if I even bothered to show up to work with Aunt E.

 I'd meet with aunt E and work for a bit then go home and have to present the work to him for review. If he didn't like it he'd rip it out and say repeat it. Well... that didn't help me improve any because I worked so hard on trying to follow aunt E's moves that I couldn't recall the moves or how to start from scratch simply from my memory. Aunt E didn't work with patterns unless it was something very new and advanced for her. Everything was from her memory. My mother and step-father didn't consider that I might benefit from written instructions. I didn't consider that there were written instructions out there that one could follow for the Granny Square.

My mother got involved and started meeting with Aunt E to learn how to do it. My mother was a very smart woman she picked it up quickly. Partly because it wasn't as new to her as she made everyone believe and secondly because she found written instructions to follow and third because she made friends with women who crocheted and they helped her out by walking her through the steps because they remembered what it was like to be new that Aunt E had forgotten.

So after my mother's amazing progress with learning how to make Granny squares and my continuing lack of progress not only did my step-father continue to rip out my work to start over but he began to add punishments. Little things like no dinner, no TV, spankings and humiliation. My mother didn't do anything to prevent this from happening. Although she did take extreme care to not get caught with the pattern and extra help from the ladies. By the time I figured out what she was doing, I totally lost my desire to learn how to crochet. Aunt E had the wisdom to drop the lessons. She'd still have me go over to her house for "lessons" but she wouldn't send me home with a project any more. She began to tell my step-father that it was simply too hard for me to keep traveling with the project because of it's size and bulk. then after a bit she changed her work schedule around so we couldn't meet. At our last conversation back in 2001 she admitted she did it to stop me from being picked on because I was getting enough of it without her adding to it from my parents.

However, by the time I got to my beloved aunt she was dumbfounded by the change in me and my reluctance to learn to crochet but she didn't give up. She told me there were many other things to do besides Granny squares. She and her circle of fellow crocheters didn't shun me for not doing them or wanting to do them and so I began to heal and learn other stitches. But nothing would get me to attempt a Granny square ever again. 

I ran hot and cold on crocheting ever since. I found away to laugh and make fun of myself when it came to Granny squares while inside crying and feeling like the biggest loser in the world. Then in June of 2012 my daughter decided that she wanted to make a baby blanket for a dear woman who was having a baby. Most that looked like something that would match my dd's attention span and crocheting skill were Granny squares. In August someone asked what my problem was with Granny squares because they were so easy to do. I told her the short answer that I was Granny Square challenged and beyond all hope. She snorted and rolled with laughter at that. In fact she was quite hysterical from the laughter as she headed back to her physical therapy session. Her dh told me that she felt that way about knots until she had two different colored ropes to tie together and could see the knot. he also told me about her beautiful work and how between carpel tunnel and a stroke she couldn't do her beautiful knot work or crochet or knit.

I didn't realize how I was negatively influencing my daughter because of my fear of being humiliated if I did the Granny square wrong. It ate at me and ate at me and finally I had enough of hearing my mother and step-father's nasty remarks about my inferior work in my head and remembering that time in my life. I began to research for a pattern that was written down and seemed crystal clear. I watched youtube type videos. I talked to my friend who's a crochet goddess and my aunt. I had panic attacks, got sick, put it off and tried to block it, bury it, and give up especially because of the increase in the volume of the Granny square sound track of mother and step-father negative voices (things that in the past got me to shut down, stop in hopes of silencing them). 

The urge to put this on my 2013 to do list began to get stronger and drown out my mother and step-father's voices, and finally I had to do this. I'm now here to say that I did it. I found a pattern that was clearly written at my level. I went where I had no choice but to work on following the pattern. I had to rip out and start over many times. I got sick which is polite way of saying I threw up a lot. I had to work on it in 5 to 15 minute intervals because that's all I could mentally handle. But I didn't look back, I didn't quit, I jumped off the cliff and fell towards my doom. Only there wasn't any doom. I finished it. I completed it and that's all that matters.

In fact, I'm helping my daughter to make a granny square baby blanket now because I don't want her to go through what I did of being afraid of something. I especially don't want her to fear this pattern simply because I feared it for so long and deeply. It really is a simple pattern when one has clear instructions. I can see now looking back why there was such a problem between my various instructors and me learning it. Besides the obvious of me being a righty and some of them being a lefty. lol I'm thankful to my daughter for showing me that it was more to it than was obvious on the surface and I'm thankful for the opportunity to work with her to further reinforce that yes, I can do this.

2013 Tackling Fears or Avoidance Issues Update 1

I've not made as much progress as I would like but I have managed to make a bit.

The Granny Square:
I have a pattern that looks like I can follow it. I have a nice solid color yarn to work the pattern in. In fact it's in the color that I was given a long time ago to at my first attempt to learn how to make one. I just love the sense of humor on that one.

The Filet Crochet:
I have found many patterns for it. I just have to narrow it down. Do I do a dragon or do I do a sign or what exactly to choose animal, plant, dragonfly... lots of possibilities have presented themselves. I do know what I will not be doing. I will not be doing any of the patterns that I remember my Great Aunt S working on. Nothing against the patterns or my Great Aunt S. It's just that those are big projects and above my skill level at this time. Doing table cloths for a seating of 12 or bedspreads or alter cloths are just bit out of my comfort level at this time. And that's helped to narrow down my options for what to do.

"The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien
I have a copy waiting for me to pick up. Today I plan to go and fetch the copy home so I can start reading it.

Art
I've been working on doodling. It's been very helpful for keeping me both focused and tolerant when I have been placed on hold. It's that time of year of making lots of phone calls and being on hold for awhile goes hand in hand with. The doodling exercise has been a good use of that time. I should have something to show as soon as I get my camera back. I am already thinking about the 2nd part of the course as I've looked ahead. I have ideas swirling around in my brain but not sure how to put them down on the paper yet.

Like I said not mad much progress but have made a bit. If your just seeing this and wondering what I'm doing then please check here. Until next time.