To the Lady in Orange...I am thankful.

Today I am thankful for the dear lady in orange.

I may sound harsh but I don’t mean to be. I’m just not sure how to express the raw intense feelings that an incident stirred in me. This is from the heart and off the cuff.

Today I am thankful for the lessons learned over the course of years for it means I have lived. Today I am thankful that my eyes are opened wide and I can see those lessons especially those that were harsh. Today I am thankful that I can see how far I’ve come and also see how far I’ve yet to go. Today I am thankful.

Today I am thankful for the woman in orange. Today I am thankful for the lessons she taught me. Today I am thankful especially that I am not her. I am thankful that I am not wearing an orange vintage suit nor  did not have to wear heels that are scuffed, in need of resoling, and clearly needing a few minutes with a soft cloth, some Vaseline and a bit of elbow grease to bring them to the mirror shine they should have.  Today I am glad that I didn’t have to put on makeup or do my hair. Today I am especially thankful for a good hat. 

Even though I noticed your vintage suit and scuffed shoes, your outdated makeup and smeared lipstick that wasn’t what caught my eye and drew my attention to you. It was the crack in your voice after you redid your order for the 5^th time. It was the way you tried to bluff the man behind the counter about the make your own combo deal. At first I thought it was first day on the job jitters as you were quite nervous and I tried to imagine which of the local stiffs had sent you for the newbie hazing of getting a meal for the suits. But then I noticed the quick jerk of your head to the mirrored reflection and I took a closer look. It was then I noticed the woman with the two small ill-kept children sitting in the back of the place. I saw her looking at her watch and shaking her head and heard the impatience in her voice as the children did something that is highly annoying to adults who want to be anywhere but with them sitting in a booth at a cheap food place as you stood at the counter and changed your order.

 It was that wall of tears in your eyes as you faked an attempt at eye contact with me as you asked the difference in sizing while you dug in your once upon a time popular purse and he told me in his best impatient voice the standard “I’m sorry this is going to be a minute longer” It was his tone of voice, followed by the eye roll and smirk that really drew me to looking at you closely. 

I didn’t mean to put you under the magnifying glass and yet that’s just what I did. It didn’t add up or make any sense but something wasn’t right about you. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful that the sandwich baggie broke and your change fell on to the counter with a clink and a clang. You tried hard not to turn red as you gulped for air. I didn’t mean to scare you when I stepped closer and told you to order the fries in the size that you wanted. I know I invaded your space but I wasn’t sure if you’d hear me otherwise. That’s why I backed up so quickly.

I didn’t mean to make you have to start over as you were carefully counting out your change. I saw how careful and attentive you were to making each little dollar pile nice and neat. I didn’t mean to interrupt as you stalled to buy time to get the tears under control. I saw him roll his eyes and make a comment to a co-worker behind his hand and jerk his head indicating your change. He may have only mouthed one word and I hope that you didn’t catch it. But I did and I’m thankful for it.

I hope you didn’t see the look on my face when I turned to the man behind the counter and told him to add the fries and make sure you had enough drinks and food cause I had you covered. I know you saw him take a step back. I didn’t mean for you to flinch because of the ring of command in my voice or my look of contempt, neither were for you. See it was all for him. Because I saw how he behaved,  I am thankful that I have a glass face at times. 

I am thankful that you let me cover what you were short. I would have thankfully and gladly paid for your meals in full but I also knew that would have been pushing to far. I am thankful that I have learned that lesson. I am thankful that you smiled a genuine smile and whispered thank you before dashing to the table where the children set. I am thankful that you didn’t hear what I said to the man and his co-worker. I am thankful for being able to help you.

I don’t know why I went to this place today. I don’t really like their food. I know my child and I needed to sit down and we needed to rehydrate as we’d gone through all the water we had brought with us. That’s why we were there. I’m not sure why you were there either. Except that I know you and your children were hungry and you had to meet with a very impatient person today. I’m assuming that simply by how fast she ran out as she saw you coming with the tray of food.

Today dear woman you taught me a valuable lesson. You taught me just how far I have come and how much I have to be thankful for. You taught me that I need to be thankful that I am not you because while today I am not, tomorrow I could be, and once upon a yesterday I simply was you. I was the small child sitting on a hard plastic bench waiting with a very impatient watch checker who wanted to be anywhere else than with me while my mother placed an order and counted out her sandwich bag of change to pay for it and I was the mother with the two small children sitting with a harassed, extremely impatient friend while I placed our order and counted out the change from the plastic sandwich bag in careful neat piles of dollars. I was the one who hoped I could fill all our bellies with enough to make it through the afternoon and night until the next day and dreading what the next morning would hold for us.

Yes, there are those who are upset that I spent the money to cover what you were short but I am not. I am thankful that I did it. Yes, it means bills are going to slide a bit and rent is going to be a tiny short but I am extremely thankful for that because it means I have a place to live and things that have to be paid and that might be way more than you have at this time. I’ve forgotten to be thankful for that lately. You dear lady opened my eyes wide to how lazy and seemingly ungrateful I can be and I am thankful that I can’t be thankful enough for your lesson for which I am truly thankful.

I know you heard my child complain because I didn’t get what I said I would. I am thankful for that. My child is spoiled in too many ways and you helped me to teach the lesson that sometimes one must do without in order for someone else to do with something for a change. I am thankful that you caught the bus ahead of us because it meant that you had some place to go and a way to get there. I am thankful that you allowed me to help you out and more thankful that two hours later I heard about us as the man complained to the driver. I am thankful that you didn’t hear him. I am thankful that the driver shared what he knew because it was evidence for the very reasons I needed to be thankful that I shared above. Again something that I couldn’t be without your presence and for which that I am thankful.

On a Guardianship Victory

12 years ago there was an incident that showed a major problem. It was triggered by my dd being bigger in size and older looking than she really was. It was very scary incident and the first of several incidents. Guardianship was first mentioned for me to consider because of the incident. It crushed me because I knew then that my dreams and hopes for my dd probably weren’t going to happen. It seemed like such a big ugly step to take and that I was horrible to consider it.

 I didn’t want to look into guardianship because I couldn’t face the reality that my dd was not right and that the autism and other things she was diagnosed with would win. I felt like a failure not only as a parent but as a believer. I was very deep into denial about the world and how autism is looked at especially here. I was also very afraid. I wasn’t sure I was up to it.

I was a very selfish person then because I thought of a future with just me and my dh being able to pick up and do what we had planned for lives pre-children and I didn’t want to be saddled further than age 18 with my children. I was very much  under the influence of my mil who kicked my dh out at the home before the age of 18 and really started to turn her back on her other son (the one who got messed up and is on probation until he’s probably well over the age of 102).

I dreamed of a day that I would send them off into the world of higher education, jobs, and families of their own. Like I said I was very, very selfish person. I was also extremely overwhelmed, deeply in denial and firmly clinging to a pair of rose colored glasses. lol (cue the John Conlee's song Rose Colored Glasses https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Aphhx6y6Ys)

9 years ago to the day of the week if not the actual day her pdoc at the time said we needed to go for guardianship. He said that it was the only way to deal effectively with the incidents that had happened and was for her best interest. It crushed me again.

However, I had a year of having dd home with me 24/7. Homeschooling was going really well. Better than I could have anticipated. It was super smooth and easy to educate her although there were major speed bumps and tantrums as we dealt with the fallout of a really bad education system, a horrid teacher, and extreme PTSD, depression and anxiety on top of the autism and other medical diagnoses. I was still wearing my rose colored glasses but of a slightly different sort than I had on 3 years prior when it was first suggested.

I was extremely convinced that guardianship would be a walk in a park and take oh any where from 6-9 months at the extreme most and I also suspected that dd would keep on excelling in her education we could with the pdoc and counselor overcome the PTSD and it might be just a temporary thing or maybe even not needed. Oh how naive I was.

It’s been an uphill battle all the way. I can’t tell you how often I bugged the heck out of the good people here, in other online places that I hung out in and the few IRL over this guardianship deal. I struggled with incompetent people, money hungry greedy jerks, intimidation, threats, and a whole lot of negativity because I dared to continue advocating for my dd and fighting for her to be safe and treated reasonably as a human not a rabid animal that needed to be put down.

I even struggled with self-doubt and lack of faith as well as downright fear and paranoia that the process would never get completed as the years marched on. I had struggles that I couldn’t understand why it was allowed as paperwork was lost, done wrong or needed to be updated by a date and just wasn’t getting done by the one in power that needed to do it, and I can’t tell you the numerous and high amount of dollars I wasted as I paid for legal assistance, social workers, agency help, etc. The stress of the constant persecution for daring to continue to be my dd’s advocate past the age of 18 has taken a great toll on me. It’s also taught me a lot.

Today, after 9 long, hard, drawn out years of climbing uphill this fight has ended. Victory has happened. The chains of fear, paranoia, self-doubt (at least in this area) has been broken.  I am free and can breathe deeply and easily. I am humble and thankful as I look back and see just what has happened in this process of the guardianship jigsaw puzzle is completed. I’m not sure if it was just multiple piece random shaped or if it was both plus 3D. ;) lol

I can’t thank the good people here enough for supporting us with prayers, encouragement, advice/guidance/wise counsel, hugs, etc. I can’t thank everyone enough for walking beside me on this dark path through the valley and holding the umbrella and tossing water my way with friendly reminders to drink, breathe and keep on putting one foot before the other. I can’t thank and praise the Lord enough for his perfect plan for us and I hope for his forgiveness for doubting that he had a plan at all.

I see clearly that it had to happen his way so that today we would get the judge we got. I see clearly why I’ve been throwing up for the last 24 hours due to nerves and had a very sleepless night of horrible dreams. I see clearly why I had a panic attack when I realized that the sinking feeling about the court room we were holding the appearance in. (yes, I down right expected to turn the corner to see two sets of families that’s how filled with dejevu or flashback or PTSD I had). I learned I have a vanity streak that has yet to be broken as I agonized over what to wear and how to swing it. The Lord got me through this with your prayers and his plan.

This morning we were waiting outside of one courtroom and I was fighting to rein myself in and appear competent while I was jelly inside and my knees were knocking. I was wearing what I thought was the worst thing ever as I couldn’t handle wearing what was suggested. I didn’t get my hair cut and I felt horrible for it. Self-doubt,  negative scripting from my parentals, etc. was all running through my head. Then the text came. We were in the wrong spot. The paperwork and sign in the elevator were wrong.

We barely made it to the new courtroom in time. We had just a few brief minutes to go over things with the guardian ad litem and our attorney. Both who thought that dd’s leopard printed shirt and black pants and my very old outdated black and olive drab outfit were perfect. Then it started. We were 3^rd on the docket.

We were suppose to be 1^st and then moved to 2^nd place but 3^rd was the perfect place for us to be and a total God thing. First was the quickest divorce I’ve ever seen as it was under 2 minutes (I was told that with no children involved and majority done out of court that it can happen that way). I share this because it really gave me a feeling for the unknown judge and a wave of calmness descended on me. Second was another guardianship. This time for a 60 yr old downs lady that I’ve known extremely casually over the years. It was here that I learned a key piece of information about our judge and had an aha moment as to why the delays. It also gave dd a very much needed preview of what was to come and the courage to approach the bench when it was our turn.

Dd was a champ with the swearing in and through the session. She had her leopard print shirt on, her AFOs, used her cane to walk up to the bench with ( a new recommendation per the spastic dr and PT), a stuffed bat in her hand, an owl necklace that a dear friend sent her, and a stuffed poodle in the crook of her arm and a death grip once we were standing still on my arm. She did exactly what she had to do and I’ve the bruises to prove it.

I did well. I was able to answer the questions accurately and audibly without any weird facial expression or too much pain (gum was the trick). I didn’t ramble which I tend to do when nervous and it really felt like my mouth opened and shut with help. A very good thing. I do have to do annual reporting to the court which I had hoped would get waved. This is because of NOT having a specific caseworker with the (state/federal gov agency we annually report to) so I don’t have a set date to do my annual accounting. However, the judge and attorney said that we can do a motion to wave this once we do have a specific caseworker. It went really well and was over and done with in under 5 minutes.

We were the last civil case before the criminal session so the judge spoke with us for a few minutes after his official and final ruling to give us encouragement and relieving some fears and concerns that have plagued us over the years. We are free from one agency that has plagued us for the majority of dd’s life. Although we aren’t free when it comes to ds. Oh and the chores and freak out over the laundry so not a concern and never even came up. I feel so silly for freaking out over it. Now, at least with dd, I am free to teach her and work at her pace without fear of retaliation or abuse allegations. Hallelughia!!!

Now the reason for the aha moment and why we had to wait for this particular judge that no one knew anything about is because… The judge has a child with special needs. He gets it and he gets what it’s like to have a child with special needs here and in the world today. His son doesn’t have the same challenges that my dd has or even my ds but he’s not ignorant of what it means here to be a parent of a child who's special needs. While his son has down syndrome and faces different challenges than my dd does, there are many common challenges such as ignorance and prejudice and a need for the protection of a guardian and advocate that they have in common.

If we hadn’t had the delays and issues for the last 9 years, he wouldn’t have been able to hear our case. We may not have gotten this completed so finally, quickly, or completely. PTL!!!

And thank you for reading so far and putting up with me for so long on this.

Nissu Nassu

Cookies

2 cups all purpose flour 1½ t ground cinnamon 1½ t ground ginger ½ t ground cardamom ½ t ground cloves 2/3 cup packed light brown sugar ½ cup butter, softened 3 to 5 T hot water ½ t baking soda

Royal Icing

1 egg white at room temperature* 2 to 2½ cups sifted powdered sugar ½ t almond extract
Place flour, cinnamon, ginger, cardamom and cloves in medium bowl; stir to combine.
Beat brown sugar and butter in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy, scraping down side of bowl once. Place water and baking soda in cup; stir until baking soda dissolves. Beat into butter mixture. Gradually add flour mixture. Beat at low speed until dough forms, scraping down side of bowl once. (IF dough is too crumbly, add more water, 1 T at a time, until dough holds together)
Form dough into 2 discs; wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate until firm, 30 minutes or overnight.
Preheat oven to 375°F. Grease cookie sheets; set aside.
Working with 1 disc at a time unwrap dough and place on lightly floured surface. roll out dough with lightly floured rolling pin to 1/8" thickness.
Cut dough with floured 3" pig shaped cookie cutter. Place cutouts 1" apart on prepared cookie sheets.
Gently press dough trimmings together; reroll and cut out more cookies (Rerolled dough will produce slightly tougher cookies than first rolling)
Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until firm and lightly browned. Remove cookies iwth spatula to wire racks; cool completely.
Prepare Royal Icing. Spoon Icing into pastry bag fitted with writing tip. Decorate cooled cookies with icing. Let stand at room temperature 1 hour or until set.
Store tightly covered at room temperature or freeze up to 3 months.
Makes about 5 dozen cookies.
Royal Icing Beat egg white in small bowl with electric mixer at high speed until foamy. Gradually add 2 cups powdered sugar and almond extract. Beat at low speed until moistened. Increase mixer speed to high and beat until icing is stiff.

Pahkinaleivat

1 cup butter, softened
½ cup plus 1/3 cup sugar, divided
3 large eggs divided
½ t ground cardamom
½ t almond extract
2¼ to 2½ cups all purpose flour
1 cup finely chopped almonds

Beat butter and ½ cup sugar in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy, scraping down side of bowl once. Beat in 1 egg, cardamom and almond extract until well mixed, scraping down side of bowl once.

Gradually add 1½ cups flour. Beat at low speed until well blended, scraping down side of bowl occasionally. Stir in enough remaining flour with spoon to form soft dough. Form dough into a disc; wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate until firm, at least 30 minutes or overnight.

Grease cookie sheets; set aside. Cut dough into 8 equal pieces.

With floured hands, shape each piece of dough into 12" long ½" thick rope. Cut ropes into 2 inch logs. Place all logs on prepared cookie sheets; refrigerate 30 minutes. 

Preheat oven to 350°F Beat remaining 2 eggs in shallow dish with fork until foamy.

Place almonds and 1/3 cup sugar in medium bowl; stir to combine. Dip cookie logs into beaten egg mixture; roll in nut mixture to cover.

Place cookies 2" apart on prepared cookie sheets. Bake 15 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove cookies with spatula to wire racks; cool completely.

Store tightly covered at room temperature or freeze up to 3 months.

Makes about 4 dozen cookies. 

~*~NUT ALLERGY WARNING~*~ this recipe contains Almonds.

Orange Cookies (Orangesmekager)

2 Oranges
½ cup butter, softened
¼ cup sugar
1 large egg
½ t orange extract
1½ cups all-purpose flour
4 squares (1 oz each) semisweet chocolate

Finely grate colored portion of orange peel using bell grater or hand held grater. Measure 2 T orange peel; set aside.

Beat butter and sugar in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy, scraping down side of bowl once. Beat in egg, orange extract and grated peel until well blended, scraping down side of bowl once.

Gradually add flour. Beat at low speed until well blended, scraping down side of bowl occasionally. Stir in additional flour with spoon to form soft dough. Form dough into a disc; wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate until firm, at least 1 hour or overnight.


Preheat oven to 400°F Grease cookie sheets; set aside.


Unwrap dough and place on lightly floured surface. Roll out dough with lightly floured rolling pin to ¼" thickness. Cut dough into 2x1" bars. Place bars 2" apart on prepared cookie sheet. 


Gently press dough trimmings together; reroll and cut out more cookies. (Rerolled dough will produce slightly tougher cookies than first rolling.) 


Bake 10 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove cookies with spatula to wire rack; cool completely.


Melt chocolate in 1 cup glass measure in microwave at MEDIUM (50% power) 3 to 4 minutes stirring occasionally. Dip one end of each cookie into chocolate, coating ½ way up side. Scrape excess chocolate on bottom of cookie back into cup. Transfer cookies to waxed paper; let stand at room temperature 1 hour or until set.


Store tightly covered between sheets of waxed paper at room temperature.


Makes about 2½ dozen bars