Knitted Hat

Hat made for a friend.

Question: Who will speak out for you?

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

By Martin Niemoller

Such wisdom written so long ago and so apt for today.

Martin Niemöller (1892–1984) was a prominent Protestant pastor who emerged as an outspoken public foe of Adolf Hitler and spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.

I've learned a lot in my time spent at the knees of various elders over the years. Some shared stories and tales that would teach me a lesson, others shared so it wouldn't be forgotten.

As I sit and watch what is happening, I hear an echo of their voices. The whisper remember and do better than we. Don't forget so that it doesn't happen again. These elders were kindly meant as they worried over me. The fretted that a day could be repeated and hoped it would never be. Sadly it looks like it is being repeated.

As I see pictures of children who are shell shocked, crying uncontrollably, I am taken to my own set of memories of my pain for once I was a shell shocked, crying uncontrollably child, separated from my family. Not knowing why I had to leave them or when/if I would ever see them again. I have already shared about being locked up into a dog cage cause my parents couldn't be bothered to find a babysitter.

Another memory comes to mind of being shipped off to a locked down facility that resembled the converted abandoned Walmart that is being reported and shown by reporters housing the boys at the moment. Again I was shell shocked, numbed with fear, and crying uncontrollably. I once again found myself not knowing when or if I would ever see my family again. I can't handle going into some places because it triggers the memory of that time.

It was in the facility that I first came across Mr. Niemollers poem. His poem was the first thing to enter my mind after being told my children were special needs. It finally clicked as to why some of the elders were horrified by my own diagnoses of special needs. The voices of the elders chimed who will speak for you? Who will defend you now? has turned into Who will speak for you and yours? Who will defend you and yours? it haunts me regularly especially in moments like this.

When I hear that the children deserve to be treated this way, his poem comes back. That is why I am saying I will. I will speak for these children. Because if it's so easy to do this to them.... what in the world is going to stop it from happening to me and mine?

I already know no one will speak out for us. We aren't worthy. So I must speak out for them. and with that in mind I ask you to consider this question...

If they can come for these children, if they came for you and yours? Wouldn't you want someone to speak out?  Who would speak for you?

Maybe it's just me.... Immigration and Asylum seekers

Tap Tap Tap Is this thing on???? 

Can someone give me a boost up on to the soapbox, please?

Hello, Please forgive me for my short fuse and improper language.

I'm going to stand on this soapbox and share my POV. I've got a lot to say and I hope that it can be digested.

I am frustrated by the stuff going around here. I try to avoid anything political because it tends to bring out anger, hatred, and trolls. But I can't say silent and I need to say something.

For those not aware of why I'm stating this it's in reference to ICE. And my remarks about military and prisons are in regards to separation of parents from children. That's simply so the context will make a bit more sense below.

The people who I was forced to call my parents would often and frequently put me in dog cage instead of trying to find a babysitter to watch me. At least until I got too big to fit. Because of that, I find the reports that children are being put into such a thing extremely distasteful and highly triggering. There was no one in authority to protect me. There weren’t any adults with the balls to speak up and out. So whether it’s true or not it bothers me, it makes me angry, it makes me sad, and it makes me not want to live in a world that treats children how my parents treated me.

Because of that treatment, I have been dictated to on what I can and can’t do for my children. Even having it recommended that I be medically neglectful for my children because those in authority aren't up to speed with information such as the DSMV which says girls can have autism and epilepsy or that Muscular Dystrophy can be passed down through the generations. To live with the horror and fear of having my children ripped away from me into some unknown hell. It’s my reality and the reality of many others so I can have empathy for the children and parents. I am going on just the facts of families torn apart. Nothing more and nothing less.

I know my history, I don’t remember a lot of it but I know enough to know the shame of it. I was born too late to be alive during the big push to take Native American families apart. But I do know the fallout from it. I’ve heard from surviving Native Americans who were removed from their family and sent off to boarding schools. Forced to be with strangers both peers their own age and the employees. I know the stories of their treatment. I hear it in the group counseling sessions, I hear it in the community gatherings. I hear it at the meetings for getting programs to the children on the reservations. I hear it from the lack of response to children who are kidnapped on the reservations. I hear it from the elderly survivors in church. I hear the pain in their voice, I see their disconnect from not only their culture and society but also society as a whole.

I have heard the stories from a survivor of the concentration camp. I have heard the stories from the children and grandchildren of this survivor. The world was horrified by what happened in Germany. It was drilled into my head not to ever forget. As if I could with the nightmare-inducing tales I was told. But the ones who wanted me to swear not to forget where the men who fought in the war. Don’t let it happen again they said to me.

I know the horrors of being in a foster/group home situation and of being placed in an institutional prison type program simply because no one knew what to do with me and the lack of proper parenting I was getting from my parents at home. I didn’t belong there but there I was put. I was ripped from the family I loved and who had never treated me badly. I was ripped from the world I knew. I learned what fear, despair, and unknown means. I have nightmares from my past experiences still.

Because I know this and know it well I don’t want children put into any situation like this. These children may or may not fully grasp what is going on. They may or may not fully understand why they are coming here with mommy and/or daddy. But they sure are learning the horrors of an institutional setting that is outside of their typical cultural experience.

My crimes are my crimes, not my children. I don't want my children judged/punished for my crimes. My children sadly are on a regular basis but that's not the point here. The point is should children be locked in dog cages, or infants ripped from the breast of their mother while nursing. I don't think so.
Until we really know what is happening as to why these families are trying to get into this country I don't think we can judge if they are or aren't doing something wrong. I think there's more to it than that.

I mean take a look at Hawaii. If the people who are in Hawaii started fleeing here because of the volcanic action that started in May and doesn't show signs of stopping any time soon should we do this to them? I mean seriously how do we know they were there legally?

What about Puerta Rico? Look at the devastation they are still struggling with. They are part of the USA and yet they are being treated unfairly and inhumanely and they didn't do anything more than just got hit by a hurricane.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong to want to be in America. I fully admit that if my ancestors hadn’t wanted to come here I wouldn’t be here now. But I do think it's wrong to degrade and traumatize children for their elders' wanting to come here.

Now for the but Military and prisoners are separated from their children blah blah blah. In the case of the Military they know full well they will be separated and so do their families. They know it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when. I have military friends and family and have also been the little woman at home during deployments several times as my friends and family joke with me. The person enrolled in the military knows they will be sent to someplace outside their comfort zone for basic training and AIT. Unless they are incredibly lucky and live near the training camps. They know when it comes to deployments and even annual training for those in the guard or reserve units that separation happens.

Last I knew the families coming here aren’t military and didn’t sign up to be military so the separations are different. These people didn’t know it was happening. Heck, I didn’t know it was happening before now. So how can they know what they will be facing when they get here? These people are coming with hopes of staying intact and with the hope for a better life and the American Dream. In the cases of an unattended minor, someone probably sent them off with the hope of a better life and the American Dream. They knew separation was going to happen and had the pluck to come anyways. Still, these people don’t really seem to know what’s going to happen here and I don’t know if it would or wouldn’t be a deterrent. I just know they don’t deserve to be traumatized.

Now for prisoners. Yes, that does causes families to be separated. That does causes children to be ripped from their parents and a separation and breakdown in the family unit. But those children aren’t put in dog cages because mommy or daddy or the caregiver broke the law. The children aren’t punished for their parents crimes. Judged yes. Written off yes. But not punished with going to an institutional prison setting. They are put in the care of other family members or friends or even in to the system of foster care. And while the foster care system isn’t ideal it’s better than what’s happening to these families. And yes, I know there are horrible foster parents just like there are wonderful foster parents but that’s a totally separate issue. Still there is hope for reunification. Do these families have that? Most of these parents don’t know where or what is going on with the children. The children don’t know where or what is happening with the parents. Reunification isn’t even on the table. When a child’s parents go to prison, there are options for the child. People can discuss where the parent is, the child might be able to write to the parent or make a phone call or accept a phone call from the parent, there might be visitation. These children aren’t getting any of this. So in my humble opinion Military and Prisoners separations are nowhere close to what is going on with these families.

As for these families being unfit well you have to define unfit to me because unfit isn’t a one size fits all label. I know this from personal experience. I swear it’s on the flashing neon sign over my head. Yet every time it’s brought up and investigated I am found not to be unfit. For endangering their children by coming here? Maybe I don’t know for sure. But if that’s the case what about the families in Flint? Last I knew Flint Michigan still has unhealthy water. Should we be removing the children there and locking them in cages because their families can't provide clean water for them? No, we shouldn't. We shouldn't do it to anyone.

And why can we get away with it when if this happened in any other country there would be hell to pay.

Thank you for listening.

Let's Help Pu’uhonua o Puna

My dearest friend Alica  says "This is by far the best way to donate to the evacuees of Kilauea eruption. Created by the community, for the community."

click on the link puuhonuaopuna

Donate if you can. Otherwise, please pass this on let's help these people overcome and succeed. 

Red and Gold

25 Things Men Do to Annoy Women

I was asked by a man for help with a project he wanted to do. I was like maybe, what is it? He laid it out that he wanted a list of things that guys do that women especially women in a relationship with them find annoying. I was like um, no I'll pass. He was all sweet and puppy dog eyes little boy please, please, please help me out. So I asked if he was sure he could handle it cause most of the time when a guy asks this kind of question and a woman responds he can't handle the information she gives him. He said he could. So I got started. Cause I was trying to word things in a way that the man could handle, I asked some of my gal pals for help. Sadly we couldn't decide on just 10 things to share with him. We did however cut it down to 25 things.

So in no particular order here is the list that me and my pals came up with. There's a few man specific things but some of it isn't exclusive to men but just a partner, significant other, boy/girl-friend.

1) It’s fine for him to have friends/associate with members of the opposite sex yet gets all butt hurt if you do the same.

 2) Doesn’t think anything about dropping $$$ ingredients for meals he likes that you can’t eat (food allergy or ingredients that are medical doctor ordered to avoid ex. mushrooms) but bitches and moans about spending more money on extra ingredients or having to prepare a separate bit of the meal so you have something to eat too. Or spending $2 on something a cold cereal, cake/cookie mix that is a real treat for you or spending the money on a box of your childhood favorite hot cereal.

3) Starts to get sexy with you, a grown adult woman, and is mortified when he learns you’ve had sexual experiences with other men and repeatedly throws it in your face when ever he doesn’t get his way.

4) Has money for cigarettes, pop/soda, candy and to eat out or get mods/expansion packs for games; but, can’t help pay insurance, vehicle maintenance/repairs, electric, gas, rent, or bills. Then lays a guilt trip on you because you ask for his portion and of course it cuts him short of what he wants to do. If your lucky, he’ll throw a few dollars your way to cover a little of the bill otherwise he’ll go and blow that on candy/cigs in a temper tantrum while saying you can’t be so horrible as to make him.

5) Chooses to spend hours playing games on computer/game system instead of doing stuff that was planned such as household maintenance/upkeep/seasonal chores (snow shoveling/lawn mowing), date night, shopping.

6) 10 yrs of dealing with CRS issues. Still gets mad to blind rages over notes, phone calls, calendar, to do lists, etc. so he doesn’t miss his appointments, activities, and can keep his promises to others (especially his children).

7) Asks you for a meal suggestion. Agrees to fix it or something similar depending on negotiations. Then if he’s really OK and into it. It will taste heavenly. But if he’s not… it will be the nastiest thing in the world to eat while looking food mag photo shoot ready. And get butt hurt if you do something to choke it down like get an extra glass of water, add salt or a condiment, or add something to try to get it to be less.

8) Sends a dick pic then cries if you don’t cheer and start a parade in his honor.

9) Gives me a hard time over the shows I watch being too gross and depressing, is quick to make snide remarks, eye roll, snort, and leave the room if I ask to watch one of the shows I really like to watch. If I suggest other shows that I know he’s enjoyed watching then I get a hard time about having penile envy or trying to win my father’s approval still (ex. Forged in Fire, Counting Cars, Top Gear, Top Shot, Grand Tour.) Gets all hurt if I joke about not wanting to disturb his girl time when he’s watching (Reba, or Grace & Frankie or some similar show that’s really popular with my female friends that their husbands can’t stand to watch).  

10. Refuses to stand up for you or your children because you are all classified as abnormal crippled freaks of nature that the world would be better off without per family who make remarks about the little freaks of nature you spawned

11. Refuses to help with what is felt to be “woman’s work” such as washing clothes and dishes and cleaning, watching children, picking them up from-taking too school/activities. Also refusing to fix or replace items such as dishwasher, washing machine, dryer that would make the housekeeping easier to do.

12. Tuning out during conversations that involve unpleasant stuff like scheduling, money/ Bills/financials/taxes, work, chores.

13. Gets all butt hurt when asked to do something that you normally do but can’t due to medical restrictions (post op lifting/bending restrictions, not to get wet wound/cast/burn, etc.) ex. Washing dishes/laundry by hand, cleaning the cat’s litter box, taking the dog out/for a walk.

14. Freaks out when you spend money on yourself for personal care items (soap/shampoo/conditioner/lotion/pads/tampons), to replace truly worn out clothing/shoes, but doesn’t comprehend/understand when you do it because he bought the latest and greatest item that’s not in the budget. Especially after berating you for your extravagance of buying something.

15. Breaking promises to spend time one-on-one with you especially for big special occurrences like an anniversary or screwing up on time management so that special event (dinner reservations, movie/ concert/play, trip to the store for something long anticipated) can’t happen because of getting so involved in a game or hanging out with his buddies’ time slips by. Then doesn’t understand why you felt hurt by it cause it was really no big deal and you need to be more understanding of his needs.

16. Not remembering something that should be routine after all the time you’ve spent together like an allergy and then blaming you for not telling him you are allergic to the ingredient/item.

17. Constantly forgetting your birthday or a special event a party happening because of a graduation/promotion/award won, again treating it like you are blowing it out of proportion or making a mountain out of a mole hill. Yet would/does go nuclear if the same ever happened to him by you.

18. gets all butt hurt if someone buys you something from your wish list because he was planning on doing it but just hadn’t gotten around to it and never seems to remember to do so even when reminded that it’s there.

19. Denying that there is a problem with rape culture and how rape is handled by those outside of the incident. When I say outside of the incident I'm talking not the parties involved  in the incident (not the perp(s) nor the victim(s)) but those who work in the medical and mental health fields, police, cops, sheriffs, attorneys, judges, writers for books, movies, plays, songs, and TV shows, directors, club and bar crowds, etc. etc.

20. Wants a detailed military style itinerary of any time you are away from him or the house for any reason but goes ballistic if you request the same from him. Uses your safety, your health, crime statistics, etc. as justification while saying they don’t apply towards him.

21. Mansplaining... 

22. Downplaying ideas that are pitched to him for feedback be it paint colors, dinner suggestions, furniture rearrangement, work projects/promotions/ideas, car buying, electronics equipment purchases, etc. Then swooping in and promoting them as his own original ideas when said woman is trying to present them with maybe a 2-5% change (most commonly the use of I or inserting his name, contact info in place of hers). Gaining the praise, recommendation, business connections, etc. that were rightfully for the other party.

23. Denying that women are treated differently. Making false assumptions about women based on stereotypical or  gender biased myths, cultural references, and locker room talk.    

24. Telling you he has no family when, in fact, he does. 

25. Not saying anything about using all the toilet paper in the bathroom and not responding to yells/shouts/texts/screams to bring more. Or not remembering to pick up any at the store no matter how many texts, lists, phone call reminders are given.

Number 24 is one that I have sadly experienced and seen repeatedly. I experienced it when I was told there was no surviving parents. However, on the wedding day about 5 minutes before walking down the isle I learned this was a lie. I had an unknown woman demanding that I come out of the place where I was changing into my wedding attired because she needed to speak to me. When I appeared she started belittling my fiancé and saying all kinds of nasty things about us. that's when I learned that in fact I would have a mother in law after all. And it's been a miserable relationship for the both of us ever since. 

I've seen many a male relative when I was growing up lie to some woman he was making a move on be it in the bar, the café, truck stop, or simply on the street. If I played my cards right I'd get a five or ten to keep my mouth shut about the wife and kids back home waiting for him. If I really played them right I could get an easy $20 if I not only left out the wife and kids, but the other girlfriend or two or three and the kids they had who sometimes slipped and called him Daddy, too. 

I can't tell you how horrible this is for both the woman sitting at home wondering whether to serve dinner while it's hot and not a charcoal brisket or how to save it so it's fresh and edible for the big man of the house upon his eventual arrival and the woman who thinks she's the lucky one he chose to shower with his attention and friendship and later discovers that he wasn't as alone and string free as he led her to believe.

It's even worse I feel, if she's the emotional type who sheds tears over the poor man left all alone to face the world  and it's cruel challenges or a twist of fate because of his beloved family having met death through a tragic demise or ran off in order to escape the horrid future of standing by him as he deals with what ever cruel challenge or twist of fate that was presented. And there's nothing lower than picking a dreaded life draining disease like cancer, a form of muscular dystrophy or MS, blood or immune disorder or some other medically high drama low survival success rate disease or disorder. There should be a combo level of all of the rings of hell from Dante's inferno for a man who stoops this low. 

It's not surprising at all to me that the man who begged for my answer to his most pressing and urgent question disappeared for a lengthy time and wouldn't respond to me saying that my answer was ready and I looked forward to discussing it further with him. It's also not surprising that as soon as he reappeared he blocked me from all possible contact. I guess that proves my theory correct don't ask such a question because you won't like or be able to handle the answer.

Maybe It's Just Me: Paranoia... Is It Ever Justified or Justifiable?

Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

Heavy questions that I hope will make you go hmmm… I know it’s making me go hmmm… right now.

I have experience with traumas. I have been told that I am cursed to live a life of horrible things. I’ve also been told and have read about real life horrors and traumas. I’ve seen things that make me wish for a way to unseen it. I’ve heard things that also make me wish I could unhear them. I’ve knowledge and experience of things that no one should have. I know the taste of loneliness for being a lightening rod for horrible things to happen. I know to expect the isolation and judgment that will probably come because I’m asking these questions and wanting to discuss the hot topic of paranoia in someone my type.

When I say I read or heard about traumas then be aware that I’m talking about one of four things: 1.) The news that is reported via newspaper, television, or radio broadcasts. 2.) What is talked about in gossip at the local gathering places (e.g. the post office, the coffee klatches either in residences or cafes and coffee shops, the women’s only tea parties or circles, laundry mats, etc). 3.) In history books and required reading for classes like English Literature or History. 4.) The stories that were told by survivors themselves or their descendants.

If you look at me on a good day you would assume that I have no reason to be paranoid or to have experienced any traumas other than what I’ve read about or heard about. If you see me on a bad day, well you might still assume that the same goes or you could assume that I brought it on myself. I know the flavor of the later because I’ve heard it from the doctors and nurses in the ER, plastics, general medicine, gynecological and mental health fields, the counselors in the support groups for those touched by ___ incidents, police and security guards, attorneys and judges, CPS workers, teachers, friends and family, and potential employers.

I was triggered to bring up this topic by an uncomfortable incident that occurred and now it’s making me doubt my reality. I’m finding myself sounding paranoid for no reason and yet maybe there is a valid reason to my paranoia and I’m not paranoid at all but normal in my response.

Those who know me know that I use a walker a lot of the time because of my health issues from both medical problems and years of abuse/hard living (sports, being a klutz), especially when the weather is cooperative and sidewalks and roads aren’t filled horribly with the obstacles of ice and snow.

It’s also known that whenever I leave my home I take a backpack with me. It’s filled with all the potential stuff I may need and things I might not need, with room to pack stuff I may get if I’m shopping or visiting the library, and of course it’s got my knitting and sketchbook too. It’s a cross between my purse and an adult version of a diaper bag. Sometimes it contains items for whichever of my children goes with me. It’s definitely my go with me bag and does give me a more mysterious air than a normal person as not having a car means I have to have more stuff on me than a typical person might. They also know that I am more than willing to cooperate with the stop and frisk but will not be separated from my bag unless it is guaranteed that it will be kept safely and securely. I may leave my walker unattended but never my bag.

So, I get all too well that having these two items separately or together can and might single me out for unwanted attention. I know my walk gives me away, too. Sometimes my clothing has, especially in the past. Just as I know if someone recognizes me from my past the very same can happen. It’s enough to make me wonder if there’s a flashing marquee over my head announcing my name and statuses, especially when I'm kicked out for being inside a place on the wrong day and time when otherwise there would be no problem, or having to change my seating at a restaurant or café. It makes me totally understand how it’s perceived as me bringing it on myself.

But did I really bring it on myself this time? If I did, what should I do differently in the future. If I didn’t, what should I do differently in the future? Do I need professional mental health help or am I still normal? Should someone be calling the people in the white coats to haul me away…

They’re coming to take me away hee-hee, they’re coming to take me away ha, ha, ha…. to the funny farm where … Oh right, not time for music. Sorry for that. Now where was I.

Ah yes, the trigger which brought this all up.

I needed to hit the books for a class I’m taking. I don’t need them long term and they’re quite expensive via Amazon and Barnes and Noble so I hit several of the local used book stores and as a last resort the library system. When I couldn’t get connected to the library system, I had to go in search of the books. With these utter fails, I thought it best to go talk to a person for help or advice as to how I could find what I need. I knew my friend would be working and she’d be willing to help me, so I sucked it up and went.

I knew it was a risky thing for me to do and yet I did it anyway. With the long distance to reach there the first thing I did was hit the restroom. Upon entering, I noticed something was off and I backed out immediately to report it when I had a run in with security. It was someone I’ve had previous run in with before so I did the whole song and dance routine with the addition of reporting the restroom. Then I went to someone who works there and reported the incident to them and they said they’d take care of it so I went off to search for what I needed.

While I was searching, I was approached by a different security person. At first I didn’t think anything about it as they do patrol around the shelves. I got a bit spooked when it was clear that he was coming to me specifically and not doing a patrol. I got more spooked when I realized there were two of them. I became scared when I was told to follow them to a back meeting area. I willingly left with them to be questioned. I didn’t suspect anything very serious was up at this time. I felt it was odd but just assumed it was standard procedure as I had been at the scene of an incident.

However, it was more than that. My bag was dumped and searched. The items it contained were questioned by the guards. His partner made phone calls to verify some of the contents and photocopied my doctors proof of poor health stuff which I hadn’t removed from my bag yet having planned to drop it off on Monday. Mainly my epi pen, albuterol inhaler, anxiety medications, Benadryl, and my reusable drink container which I pack in case I need Benadryl or anxiety medication were questioned. My wallet was emptied of its contents, thus my other IDs were found. Now upon the pair making it clear that I was the one they wanted I did grab my driver’s license and so I was ready and I did hand it to the person who asked for my ID. I had not put my driver's license back into my wallet after the original arrival question and reporting the restroom incident, so it was handy and available. I didn’t need to get it out of my bag like I normally would have to do and had done the first time.

 I was told that when I present my state issued driver’s license and/or state ID that I also need to present my city issued disabled ID. (The city has mandated that if a disabled person wants to use public transportation especially for buying a monthly pass that they need to have a special issued photo ID identifying them as disabled or they can’t get the fare discount offered to them.) This bothered me and I questioned it right then and there as I’d never heard this before and was under the presumption that this ID was ONLY good with public transportation and nothing else. It was a really intense time for me waiting alone with this person and not being sure what further intentions were had for me.

I was released, obviously since I’m writing this, as my medications were deemed legit and I didn’t have any unchecked-out CDs, DVDs, or books with me. The only thing taken was my contraband, a candy bar and some jerky as food is not allowed.

Before I could pack everything up an officer came in to discuss the incident I’d reported to the other security guard. He looked at the medications and stuck his head out to question the guard that had left prior to his entry. He then asked to see my IDs. He radioed it in and went about his business of filling out what was on his clipboard. He asked the questions and let me pack up the rest of the way. He then stated what the security guard said about presenting the city ID, but he too refused to answer as to why this is needed.

So now the paranoia part. Remember at the beginning of this I asked the following: Is paranoia ever justified or justifiable? When is paranoia a good thing vs. a bad thing? When do you know it's okay to have it vs. not okay to have it? When do you get help or not? How do you walk the line if you do seek help for it? When is paranoia acceptable for one but not for another? What makes it that way? Why?

With this incident and similar past incidents over my lifetime, am I being paranoid to have what my friend back east calls a cop bag made up? Should I start keeping my IDs separate in my pocket or continue to put them in my wallet? Typically, the city ID is kept with my monthly bus pass. It wasn’t this time and was in my wallet because I need to have both IDs (state and city) when I purchase next month’s pass on Monday. Should I get a copy of my medical alert wallet card and keep that in my cop bag along with a copy with my medications? I currently just have the card in my wallet and in my bag pocket where I have the medications. Since my Epi Pen is in the original box always I never considered keeping a copy with it. Should I get a note from my doctor(s) regarding the incontinence and keep that with those supplies which is part of the reason I use a backpack?

Am I being paranoid about looking like a homeless person for having those supplies with me or am I nipping that assumption in regards to those items (a pair of thin stretchy pants similar to yoga pants, baby wipes, packet of Kleenex and the depend/underwear, pair of socks and a couple of small garbage bags)? Having witnessed/experienced bad cops/security guards in my lifetime am I being realistically concerned or paranoid for getting frightened every time I have an unintentional encounter with a cop/security guard?

Was my fear/paranoia justifiable? Was it a good thing to be alert and aware to the point of trying to ingrain the badge number, name, uniform, descriptions of the four I interacted with today in my brain or was it an over-reaction, thus paranoid, response? When is it okay or is it okay to do this? Do I need help for this repeated feeling every time I am with them? Am I wrong to feel scared to an extreme sense because of who I am or is that okay? I’ve been told it’s wrong because I’m privileged but I know that when it comes to bad people my perceived privilege won’t and hasn’t kept me safe.